Welcome to Episode 19 of F*ck Like a Woman. Today’s episode is another erotic story about a hot college student named Russ who finally hooked up with his sexy gym crush late one night after a sweaty workout.
Russ was a young college student who always made time for a late night workout after studying and working all day. His apartment complex had a 24 hour gym so he was usually there by midnight and exercising alone, which he preferred, at least he thought he did. After getting used to being in the gym alone, one night an attractive girl showed up a little after he did. When she walked in, their eyes locked and they both felt the electricity between them. Russ was already 2 miles in on the treadmill and a bit sweaty, but she didn’t seem to care. He smiled at her, and she smiled back. Russ couldn’t help but notice her enticing beauty and fit body. She started stretching and he hopped off the treadmill after he finished his warm up, got some water, and finished the rest of his routine. She started bending over and stretching, and he could not take his eyes off her. Not wanting to creep her out, Russ tried to keep his eyes to himself. She was still running on the treadmill when he was finished his workout, but they locked eyes again, smiled and said goodnight to each other as he walked out the door. The next few nights at the gym were similar, the sexual tension was building and palpable. After seeing her there a third night in a row, he struck up a conversation in between pull-ups and stretching. They chatted casually for a few minutes before she told him she was 23. He suspected she wasn’t being truthful because she made it a point to state her age and she looked closer to 30, but Russ didn’t care. He’d always found the idea of older women exciting and sexy. Russ didn’t make it back to the gym for another week. The next night he went, she was already there before she usually arrived. And once again, the gym was empty except for them. She approached him and confessed that she thought she would see him there the past few nights, sounding playfully disappointed. After finishing his workout for the day, Russ hopped on the row machine to do his cool down cardio while she was on the treadmill… he was right behind her. She was wearing running shorts that showed a little too much ass, the kind that let her cheeks peek out at the bottom. Watching her ass go up and down from behind was just what he needed to finish up strong. He couldn’t keep his eyes off her. The deeper she got into her workout, the more sweaty she was, and the less he could look away. She caught him staring a couple times through the reflection of the window, but everytime she caught him staring, she would pull her shorts up a little higher each time, letting them creep up inside her ass more and more. It was like she was putting on a show just for him, knowing exactly what she was doing. Russ couldn’t help but cut his cardio short so he could shower and relieve himself. As he walked out the door he said goodnight, and she enticingly looked back at him with a lustful smile. The next day, Russ got to the gym at the same time he usually did, but cut his routine short in hopes of catching another show from his new friend. Sure enough, there she was on the treadmill with short shorts that were skin tight and a tank top that hugged her curvy body perfectly. This time, he was a little closer behind her on the bike to see the tantalizing view of her running. Her body was soaked in sweat, and to his enjoyment it was completely arousing. She hopped off the treadmill with her back to him, and pulled her shorts up making them travel up further between her cheeks. She spread her legs, bent down to stretch, and Russ was mesmerized. He couldn’t look away, he didn’t want to, and he was pretty sure she didn’t want him to either. She stood up and looked back at him, smiling. At this point, he didn’t bother to hide the fact that he was staring because he didn’t care. She sat down on the machine next to him and started pedaling. When she sat down next to Russ, he breathed in deep, trying to catch a whiff of the beauty sitting next to him. Her scent was intoxicating. Her pheromones were driving him crazy, and she knew it. She looked over at him, then down in his lap, pausing to see what she was doing to him. Russ was so hard, bulging in his shorts. She looked up at him lustfully. She stretched her arms over her head, breathing harder, and making Russ melt wearing her tight tank top in that sexy pose. He couldn’t stop staring at her succulent chest, and she liked it. He took another deep breath through his nose and felt like he was getting high just off of her scent. Everything she did was mouthwatering. Russ thought to himself, “damn, this girl is as freaky as me.” He felt like an animal and she was his prey… They finished their workout out at the same time and started talking, one conversation led to another, and she asked him to walk her up to her apartment so they could keep talking. On the walk to her place, she admitted that she found him very sexy and he told her the same. Russ complimented her gorgeous body, and emphasized how much he enjoyed working out behind her. She playfully asked if he liked her outfit and turned around showing off her perfectly shaped ass. Russ nodded in agreement, there were no words. They made it to her front door and she teasingly asked if he wanted to exercise again, hinting at what was coming next. She opened the door, pulled him in by his hand and Russ knew it was game time. Stumbling inside her apartment, Russ pinned her against the wall holding her arms over her head and started kissing her, making out intensely. She walked backwards towards the couch without unlocking her lips from his and keeping her tongue in his mouth. He threw her down and pulled off her tight shorts, exposing her sexy red thong. Her body was still glistening with sweat, and he loved it. He pulled his shirt off and kissed his way down between her thighs. Russ lifted her legs up in the air and she pulled her legs in toward her torso. He kissed her hot pussy over her panties, they were soaked with all her sweet juices and her body’s sweat, which only made him harder. The smell of her wet pussy was incredibly delicious. He pulled her thong to the side so he could go down on her. He ate her pussy while he pulled down his shorts and started stroking himself. After enjoying her sweet taste for a few minutes, he got up, peeled her thong all the way off and slid inside of her. He thrust his cock in and out of her while she kept her legs pulled up and spread apart, stroking her clit. So aroused by all the foreplay, she moaned loudly with pleasure, finishing within a few minutes. Her loud moaning just kept turning him on even more… he felt himself growing inside of her. Finally, she ordered him to cum on her. Hearing her say that was so erotic that he uncontrollably erupted on her stomach. They laid there for a few minutes bathing in ecstasy and swimming in the passion of what had just happened.
Russ still looks back on that unforgettable night with excitement and pleasure, recalling specifically the way the smell of her sweat and pussy lit him up inside and made him want to devour her. He was so aroused by the scent that since that night, sometimes he makes it a specific request for his woman to not shower before he goes down on her. The smell of an aroused woman in her natural aromatic state is often one of the most powerful aphrodisiacs for many men, and to many women this turnon is incredibly sexually appealing to find in a partner. It can be powerfully freeing when a woman can relax and embrace this magnificent part of her feminine essence and especially when it drives her partner to a primal state of wanting to the point where she becomes irresistible.
That’s it for today everyone. Stay tuned for next week’s episode where I bring back my online dating connoisseur to tell us about a few of her more surprising moments, one of them having to do with an anal play fetish. See ya next time.
Welcome to Episode 18 of F*ck Like a Woman. Today I’m talking with singer/songwriter, Albert Angarita, about how sexuality, relationships, dating, and marriage is changing in the millennial age with more access to information, educational tools, and historical archives that allow us to make better decisions in life and love. We discuss power, privilege, and expanding our consciousness to become more evolved as human beings. My guest Albert Angarita is an incredibly talented bilingual Spanish singer/songwriter, entrepreneur, writer, poet, public speaker, and martial arts/taekwondo champion. Watch the video of our conversation on my YouTube channel by clicking here. The audio recording can also be streamed via your favorite app.
These are some of the ideas we cover:
Let’s talk about destigmatizing sexuality as a culture compared to some of the other countries that have better sexual health outcomes and how this relates to raising children and educating them early on about sex, anatomy, and relationships.
Do you think millennials have grown up with more sex-positivity and acceptance of sex as a spectrum compared with earlier generations? (LGBTQ, sex openness)
Do you think millennials use less derogatory terms, like “fag”?
And what about with gender roles and egalitarianism?
What sex practices do you think millennials consider “normal” these days?
Do you think for millennial women there is a heavy emphasis on “performance” during sex (ie knowingly or unknowingly trying to recreate what’s see in porn – because what feels good doesn’t always look good/what looks good doesn’t always feel good)
How do you think guys tell the difference between a woman’s “performative” orgasm and a real orgasm?
Do you think millennials struggle with loneliness?
The power of education, access to podcasts and books, and the globalization of information to understand different models of living and loving around the world
This isn’t mean to be a comprehensive conversation, but hopefully it will encourage you to have conversations like this with people in your life. Check out the video conversation – it’s much more interesting to watch than to hear!
Welcome to Episode 11 of F*ck Like a Woman. Today, I talk to an online dating connoisseur, who recounts some fascinating insights about how dating apps have revolutionized sexual fantasies – one fantasy in particular: younger men and older women.
Today, I interview Diana, who is what I would consider a connoisseur of online dating. She has not only been active for the better part of 7 years on just about every dating app there is, but she was going on as many as 3 to 4 dates per week with nearly every category or type of guy out there just to make sure she wasn’t overlooking potential matches. And by category, I mean age group, race, income level, body shape, hobbies and interests, nerdy/geeky/panty-droppers, you name it.
I don’t know about you guys, but this was both fascinating and hilarious at the same time. A few things I wanted to touch on before we wrap up the show is that I am of the mind that if you can imagine it exists out there, it already does or you can create it. That goes for just a about everything, but in this case, romantic companionship. There are fundamental human behaviors and emotions that are inextricably part of our very nature so the trials of love will be part of any courtship, but with the right curious mindset, by improving our relational self-awareness, and with intentional practice on our shortcomings, it is possible to attract and grow a romantic relationship which might have only begun with the seeds of possibility, into something fulfilling, interesting, long-lasting, and satisfying. However, the mystery and omnipotence of the universe is always at play, reminding us that we do not choose love, love chooses us. The more we resist what is, rather than being at peace with it, as Diana has come to find, the greater the resistance is mirrored back to us. In the end, the best we can do is spend time with the ones we already love, including ourselves, and to bask in the gratitude we have for the moment, for the overlooked joys we miss when we mistakenly forget about our own mortality. Have a beautiful week everyone, and I hope you find as much humor in your dating life as Diana has found in her quest for love. See you next time.
“How long can you be with someone and still want them?” That was the question racing around Annette’s head as she looked at her husband, Mark, of twenty years, the father of her two children. They had gotten married shortly after turning 20 and had grown up together as high school sweethearts.
Both their sons had headed off to college in the last couple of years, and at first, Annette had been certain it would be a chance for the two of them to give themselves over to some of the passion that she knew they had been stemming since the boys had come along. She was hoping they would fall back into bed, back in love, like it was nothing.
Inside, Annette didn’t feel like she was about to turn 40. She had kept herself fit and lively while the boys were growing up, but she wondered if her husband felt the same way. But the raw passion they’d shared in their twenties wasn’t as forthcoming now that they’d lived through so many life stages together, and now they started to feel the emptiness in their house encroaching upon them. The necessities of being a wife and mother had kept Annette from feeling as though she had much to offer sexually.
She found herself looking at her husband anew, wondering who was this man with whom she’d shared the better part of her life with, but at the same time, had grown to be an emotional stranger, withholding parts of himself that she knew had to still be inside him – parts that longed to experience passion and adventure with their newfound freedom.
Annette noticed the peppered grey hairs sprinked throughout his hair, and for the first time, she realized just how sexy it was. The crease of his smile as he asked how her day was – it was familiar yet charming, a sign of a man with years of experience under his belt.
With so much loneliness and uncertainty about this new chapter, Annette decided to seek comfort in her best friend, Elena. Elena was the kind of friend who always walked the line. And truthfully, Annette had wished for years that she had the kind of raw courage that Elena made look so easy. When Annette told her how much her sex life with Mark had deteriorated over the last 5 years, Elena grinned at her as though she’d been waiting for this opening for as long as she could remember.
“Here,” Elena pushed a discreet card with a phone number on it across the table towards Annette. “This’ll help, trust me.”
Annette sat puzzled, “What is it? Couples counselling?”
“Sort of, we had a similar problem, Mac and I, and this…this was the best way we found to address it.”
She shrugged, took the card, and stuck it in her purse, but on her way home, she figured out what the number was for. A swingers club. And suddenly she got a flutter in her stomach.
When Annette got home, she confided in Mark about how badly she wanted to break the routine and she didn’t know what they could do to make it better…except for one recommendation she found through a friend. She pulled out the card and handed it to Mark.
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” he said. “No way we can do something like that.” Annette was a little discouraged watching him vehemently shaking his head.
And truthfully, at first, part of her agreed with him, but as weeks passed on and their sex life failed to improve, she knew that desperate measures had to be taken to keep what remained of their sex life alive. Mark took some convincing, but eventually he came around.
“Just once, just to see.”
“Just once,” she agreed, and she felt a flutter of excitement as she realized what they were agreeing to.
After figuring out what exactly to wear to a swinger’s club, they nervously headed out together, holding each other’s hands tightly as they got out of the car. Annette was anxious, more anxious than she thought she’d be. She hesitated for a moment outside the door, but Mark pushed it open and strode inside, clearly wanting to get this over with. But when he saw what was waiting for him on the other side, he changed his tune.
“Wow”, she thought as she followed him in. Everywhere they looked, there were people spread out on couches, grinding on each other without a drop of shame. She saw couples making out and fooling around, and a stairway that led up to another floor. Annette watched one couple as they flashed flirty eyes at each other and headed up stairs.
Annette felt drawn to them for reasons she couldn’t put into words, and decided to follow them. She was surprised that Mark seemed happy to go along. Like Annette, he was busy trying to take it all in, take in the sheer weight of the sexy vibes in this place and how much they both wanted to be a part of it.
They followed the couple upstairs and down a hallway, and found them already locked in an intense embrace on a large bed in the center of one of the private rooms. Annette’s eyes widened, and she went to back away – but before she could, the woman spotted her and reached her hand out inviting her to come join them.
The woman glanced between Mark and Annette playfully. And Annette didn’t need telling twice.
What followed was perhaps the most exciting thing Annette and Mark had ever done together. They started slow at first, Annette kissing and touching the other woman while the men watched, but she was soon drawn to the man; she was nervous at the thought of letting him put his hands on her, but Mark gave her a look reassuring her it was okay – that tonight was about adventure and pleasure. Before long, Mark was sitting back and watching as his wife was pleasured by this new couple, both of them using mouths, hands and tongues to stimulate her in any way they could. And seeing her like that, being devoured so sensually by this couple, sparked something in him.
Soon the woman turned toward Mark, and began to undress him as the other man mounted Annette on the bed. Mark couldn’t take his eyes off his wife, how wanted she was, how hot she looked as another man began to fuck her. The woman dipped her head down to take his straining erection into her mouth and began to blow him, her mouth fresh and new on his cock.
Annette glanced over at Mark, and felt a matching swell of lust for this man who she thought she had seen in nearly every light, but the jealousy at watching another woman suck his cock was enough to spark something that had been missing for a long time between them.
Eventually, the strain in his dick was too much for him to take, and he pulled the woman from his cock and lay her down on the bed, spread her legs open, and ate her pussy. She handed him a condom, wanting him to fuck her. He sheathed himself and looked over at his wife, lost in a powerful rush of ecstasy at watching his wife riding this other man. And as Mark began to slide his way inside her for the first time, he reached out to his wife, and curled his finger around hers, letting her know without words, that no matter what happened tonight, it was her he wanted. It was her he wanted now and forever. Annette squeezed his hand, silently replying that after all this time, she knew beyond all certainly that she wanted him, too.
That’s it for today everyone. Stay tuned for an upcoming episode, where we’ll be talking about the 9 predictors of divorce that allow researchers to tell within a few minutes if a couple is going to make it long-term or not. See you next time!
Elise was 27 when she flew to Paris for the summer with her friend Mariana. They had both been dying to go for months and finally found the money and time to get away. Both were single girls and loved to roam new cities and discover adventure wherever they landed. After they recovered from jet lag, unpacked, and got settled in for the next week, they looked up all the hot spots that Paris’s nightlife had to offer.
Saturday night was upon them and they were giddy happy to get all glammed up with their sexy high heels, short dresses, and that killer diva look. They took a cab and headed for a popular nightclub in downtown. When they got there, the scene looked promising with tons of people dressed to the 9s and lots of hot guys. The drinks started flowing and they had settled in at a small party’s table, hitting it off with a couple of guys. Both Elise and Mariana were drawn to one guy in particular, Jaque, because he had a certain confidence about him while all his friends were giving off a vibe of desperation. As the night went on, it became clear that both Elise and Mariana wanted Jaque for themselves. Inhibitions gone, they decided that they should both take him back to their hotel room for the night.
They ditched the nightclub, got in a cab, and made it excitedly back up to their room. They broke out a bottle of champagne and went out to the balcony to look at the city lights. Elise and Mariana were nervous, they weren’t sure what was about to happen, but decided they’d flow with the moment wherever it took them. But inside Elise was more excited than she was letting on. What Mariana didn’t know was that Elise had been curious about girls for years and had never had the courage to actually openly hit on a girl. She didn’t consider herself as strictly lesbian because she was definitely attracted to guys, but she was also aroused by certain girls and had watched lesbian porn sometimes. Elise wanted to know what it was like to kiss a girl and touch her soft body. She was curious if it would feel just as divine in real life as it had in her fantasies.
Jaque came up behind Mariana on the balcony and kissed her, he grabbed her hips and pulled them in toward his waist. He moved his hands down her legs and back up her thighs under her dress. He started rubbing her pussy and slid his fingers inside. Elise was watching and getting wet from everything she saw, wanting to partake but also completely captivated watching his ruthlessness. He took Mariana and bent her over in front of him on the balcony rubbing her clit and lifting up her dress completely, then slid down her silky thong past her heels. Elise walked over, grabbed Jaque’s face and pulled him toward her, kissing him fiercely until he let one hand off Mariana and onto Elise’s ass. Mariana turned around to take his hand and Elise’s, and guided them back inside to the bed. Mariana pushed Jaque onto the bed and took Elise’s hand and pulled her onto the bed with them. She leaned into Elise and kissed her deliciously, biting her lip. Mariana pulled down her dress, grabbed Elise’s hands and put them on her breasts, guiding her to squeeze them. Elise touched Mariana’s breasts and stroked her nipples, finally working up the nerve to kiss and suck each one. Jaque watched intently as Mariana pushed Elise down, lifted up her dress, and started kissing her stomach, then her hips, then her thighs, and finally licked her skin just outside her panties. She pulled down Elise’s panties and started licking her pussy softer than she’d ever been licked, putting her fingers deep inside her. Elise was completely turned on and felt like she was going to cum, but she couldn’t quite get there. She didn’t know how to orgasm without a guy so she turned toward Jaque who was totally hard after watching Mariana’s face between Elise’s thighs. She jumped on top straddling him, and fucked him hard. She had been so aroused by what Mariana had done to her that she came in a matter of minutes. Elise climbed off Jaque, lying there exhausted and exhilarated. Then Mariana mounted Jaque. He slid his dick inside, gripping her hips tightly as she grinded back and forth. Her body glided in smooth rotations as she rode him harder and faster, clenching his chest. Finally Jaque erupted in pleasure, but Mariana couldn’t finish, so Jaque flipped her over, bent her over the bed, spread her legs apart and licked her pussy from behind. Mariana gripped the sheets, screaming louder, and came all over Jaque’s mouth.
Elise felt as though she had been a caged animal finally let loose and freed to play in a wild and tantalizing fantasy. That experience with Mariana forever changed her sexual appetite and expanded her desires for more female sex play. She would have never thought that a woman could give her such pleasure, especially surpassing the sexual enjoyment she had felt with men. Elise wondered how she would now navigate this new sexual territory and if it would become problematic in her future relationships with men. Would they judge her moral character for her same-sex play, would they become so aroused by it they would want her to perform it in the bedroom, or would it be seen as a threat to their male sexuality and prowess? And what she discovered was that yes, all of these were true. But more importantly, she realized that no one could lay claim to her sexuality because it was inherently and solely hers. She might be subject to the terms of agreement set forth overtly and covertly in her relationships, but her sexual sovereignty would remain forever hers in her mind and in her desires.
That’s it for today guys, next week we’re going to be talking about the communication styles between happy couples and unhappy couples. Stay tuned.
Thanks for listening to, F*ck Like a Woman. If you have a juicy sex story that you want featured anonymously on the podcast, email it to firstname.lastname@example.org. And if you like this podcast and want to show some love, leave a review on iTunes and make sure to subscribe to the show to stay current on new episodes. For more information, visit fcklikeawoman.com (that’s F-C-K like a woman dot com).
Welcome everyone to F*ck Like a Woman, episode 5. Today we’ll be talking about your sexual brain, specifically something called our sexual accelerators and brakes, which basically determine how and why you get horny as fuck sometimes and other times not so much.
Have you ever wanted an explanation as to why you aren’t as horny as other girls, or maybe in your case, why you’re so much more horny than they are? Or have you ever been so incredibly turned on and really enjoying sex, but you just can’t quite orgasm? Or did you used to have such great sex with your man before your kids came along, but you almost never do now and yet you still really love him?
Well, I came across a very interesting and well researched theory to explain these disturbing phenomena when I was reading Emily Nagoski’s New York Times best seller book, Come As You Are, which I’m adding to my recommended reading list for you all (buy the book here). In the book, Nagoski explains what is called the Dual Control Model for sexual arousal, which was theorized in the 90s by Erick Janssen and John Bancroft at the Kinsey Institute. Okay, let’s skip to the part we actually care about.
The Dual Control Model is one of those concepts that is a game-changer if you want to understand why you do the things that you do, especially if you’re proactive like me and want to live life to the fullest. What you might not have known is that your central nervous system is made up of 2 regulating systems called your sexual accelerator and your sexual brakes, which control how and when you respond to sexual stimuli, so basically they control your sexual response. Not just that, but we’ll discuss how there are individual differences from person to person, which impact how we respond to the sexual world. These 2 systems relate to your mood and your environment a great deal, which complicate things even more. But don’t worry, because, spoiler alert, you just have to figure out how to turn on your accelerator and turn off your brakes, which we’ll talk about today.
As Nagoski explains in her book, Come As You Are, the central nervous system which is made up of your brain and spinal cord possesses a pairing of systems working together that she refers to as the accelerator and brakes. These 2 parts are your sexual excitation system, shortened to SES or ses, and the sexual inhibition system, shortened to SIS or sis.
As you probably imagine, the excitation system or SES, is what accelerates your sexual response and constantly scans your environment all day every day for anything sexually relevant like yummy cologne smells, the sexy way he looks when he’s lifting weights at the gym, the tingly touch of his hand as he plays with your hair, and of course anything else our senses pick up, including our imagination. The inhibition system, or SIS is what what tells you oh, no, don’t even go there! And it’s also scanning for the same environmental information to tell you what’s a threat and unwanted stimuli. Your SIS is like the gremlin on your shoulder giving you reasons not to be aroused. But it serves a purpose because it also prevents you from being turned on during less appropriate scenarios like say, when you’re making that sales pitch to a client. And it also brings everything to a screeching halt if something unwanted happens, like your kids walk in on you fooling around. In the inhibition system there are actually 2 brakes, one has higher intensity and fears higher level concerns like getting pregnant or STDs, whereas the other is less intense and worries more about low level concerns like body image and not being able to orgasm. Emily explains that most people struggling with arousal or desire think that it’s an issue of needing more accelerator, but in fact, it’s that they have too much brake.
Let’s talk arousability. This is simply switching on your accelerator and switching off your brakes. Your arousability depends on how sensitive they are to sexual stimulation, so how much intensity to your accelerator and how little intensity to your brakes. Your SES and SIS are traits that are pretty constant over your lifetime, but don’t worry because the good news is you can change your learned response to sexual stimulation to have more triggers that appeal to your accelerator, and you can also decrease the amount of things that put on your brakes. You can even change how you feel about the things that are currently putting on your brakes. As I mentioned before, every person has different sensitivities like, someone could have high excitation and high inhibition where all they need to do is remove what’s pushing the brakes to have a super great sex life. Or someone could have low excitation and high brakes, which would mean that if you took away all the potential brakes it would still probably take them a while to rev their engine up and get in the mood; 1-4% of women fall here with low desire and interest in sex, making it hard for them to get aroused and especially orgasm. For someone who has high excitation and low brakes, they might have a hard time preventing arousal, which could lead to compulsive sexual behavior; 2-6% of women fall here as highly motivated by sex. But most people, men and women, fall somewhere in the middle of the bell curve. Nagoski reaffirms that all combinations of SIS and SES are completely normal, even the ones on the higher and lower range. Even more interesting is that no matter your accelerator, sensitive brakes are the most accurate predictor of sexual problems of any kind.
If you want to know where you fall on the spectrum, Emily Nagoski has posted the Sexual Temperament Questionnaire on her website that anyone can download. I’ll make sure to put links to her website on the show’s synopsis. Nagoski advises that this is not actual science, but rather an approximation.
The questionnaire helps you find where you fall in terms of both your brakes and your accelerator, so you’ll have 2 scores for each. Let’s go through some examples of the different combinations of people and where you might find yourself.
In terms of how intense your brakes are, you might be either low, medium, or high.
If you have low intensity brakes, then you’re the kind of person who doesn’t really have a lot holding you back from having sex. You probably aren’t concerned with body image or being in your head too much; you don’t find many reasons why you shouldn’t have sex, and when you’re in the heat of the moment, you’re ALL IN. Sometimes you might find it hard to think of a reason not to have sex so it might be a challenge to keep it in your pants. Nagoski says about 15% of the women she’s asked, fall here.
If you have medium intensity brakes, then you share this trait with about 50% of women. You’re the kind of person who can get horny if the context is right. You’re more likely to be able to let go if you’re in a familiar context where you know your partner and can predict how it’s gonna go down. If you have a new partner or new risky situation, you’re probably going to put on the brakes. And if your mood or stress levels go up, like if you’re anxious or depressed, your interest in sex goes down and so does your ability to focus on it while you’re having it. You basically close your doors for business.
If you have high intensity brakes, then you’re with about 25% of women, Nagoski says. You are closed for business almost all year round. You need lots of trust and familiarity to be turned on. And you really don’t want to feel pressured or rushed, that just makes it worse. You probably have a hard time staying focused on sex. If this is you, Nagoski has a sexy context worksheet that I’ll link to in the show notes.
Let’s move on to the intensity of your accelerator, which will be either low, medium, or high.
If you have a low sensitive accelerator, then you probably don’t get sexually aroused out of the blue. More than likely, you have to be very intentional with how you choose to focus your energy on things that get your wheels turning, in fact, you might identify a little with asexuality. Much like having a highly sensitive brake, you need lots of familiarity in your sexual scenarios, and actually you need higher intensity stimulus to ignite your dulled accelerator. You need to turbo charge your sexual stimuli. Nagoski says these women could benefit from using a vibrator and daily attention put toward your sensual side, kind of like exercising a muscle. If this is you, you’re part of 8% of women.
If you have a medium sensitive accelerator, you fall in with roughly 70% of women. Just like with a medium brake, you’re most likely going to be sexually interested if you have the right context, which is a pretty reasonable fix. But with a medium accelerator, you’d be ready to ride if the romance and eroticism was on point. If not, then sex probably isn’t on your radar at all. These women just need a little fuel and it can pretty easily turn into a bonfire. You just need to increase how many sexy contextS you put yourself in and then you’re livin the good life!
If you have a highly sensitive accelerator, look out! You might put your silky bathrobe on after a shower and be ready to get frisky! You probably have a highly erotic appreciation for all things naughty, like things that most people would never even associate with sex. And this does NOT make you a slut. You also likely get a lot of satisfaction out of making your partner orgasm because you’re so sensitive to arousal. Let’s hope your partner can appreciate this quality in you. 🙂 You probably have a wide range of scenarios that are sexually interesting to you, and might even use it as a way to de-stress. The only thing is that sometimes this comes along with sexual compulsivity so if it’s become unbalanced and you’re starting to notice you’re regretting some of those decisions you made while in the heat of the moment, then consider other physical alternatives to getting the stress out like working out. Nagoski says about 16% of women fall here with a super sensitive radar for any and all things sexual.
So what does all this mean? If you scored somewhere in the middle, you’re in the same boat as about half the population. If you were in the high or low range, you’re in a much smaller pool so you might be one of those women who has had a harder time relating to others. This is perfectly normal. Now you get to figure out how and what to put more attention on depending on where you are if you find it to be problematic.
So here’s the part where you might be like, ya I could have guessed that. Across the whole population, men have more sensitive accelerators and women have more sensitive brakes, but the interesting thing is that within the male population and within the female population there is much more variation within each group than a difference from men to women. Basically women vary more from each other than they vary from men as a whole, and have a much wider range of responses to questions like, how often would you like to have sex? And the same goes for men. So turns out, we’re more similar with men than we might have thought.
Interestingly enough, 10-20% of men and women experience more sexual interest when they’re depressed or anxious. In this scenario, the man has a less sensitive brake and the woman has a more sensitive accelerator. Which, the fact that someone is more interested in sex during stressful times, implies that these 2 systems are very much impacted by other motivations systems in the brain, like stress response. So your mood and anxiety levels have a lot more to do with your arousability than whether you’re a man or woman.
Okay so now we get to my favorite part, what turns you on? I’m about to blow your mind with the most interesting part about this whole topic: almost nothing is innately sexually arousing. Yup, isn’t that crazy?
People aren’t born knowing what’s sexy. Your brain has to figure out what are sexually relevant stimuli versus what are threats. It’s actually a process of learning that information, just like other culturally-specific information, like learning a language or developing an accent. Depending on what environment you’re in as you’re learning, you’re going to learn different things with different tastes, different taboos, and different threats. We learn what’s sexually relevant through experience and association. You teach your excitation and inhibition systems what you like and don’t like. This explains why the things that we were gross and disgusting as little girls and boys are now the things we fantasize about as adults. Or why if you take your sexual tastes at 20 years old and fast forward to age 45, they will be different, probably a little kinkier. Your appetite and tastes evolve as you engage in different sexual activities and through association, or as I call it, cultural osmosis. There are more pieces to this puzzle that explain how our preferences evolve and strengthen, such as what’s going on with our brain chemistry and hormonal cocktails as we click on increasingly taboo porn videos, but it’s a good start.
There are lots of different theories out there that attempt to explain the differences between the sexual programming between boys and girls. Nagoski’s book explains the one that makes the most sense to her as a sex educator and researcher. In this theory, when a little boy has an erection as a very small child, because there is a physically visible change to his body that he can actually see happening, he attributes the erection to both something in his external environment and the pleasurable feelings that come with it. But because girls don’t have a visible physiological change to look at and make associations to learn what caused it, they look to the social context of their environment to link what caused their arousal. Little girls don’t even know there’s a whole physiological change happening in their genitalia, so when they feel pleasure and arousal they look to the person in their environment to figure out what’s sexually relevant.
Also, as girls start their menstrual cycle, depending on where they are in that cycle, their brain will either be more or be less primed to link the external prompts of potential sexual stimuli to her internal arousal. Because girls have more variation in their hormones than boys whose hormones don’t fluctuate, it usually takes girls longer to learn what’s sexually relevant and when they do, it’s more connected to the social context and they’re more prone to experience a mismatch between what their genitals are doing and their arousal level.
This is all so fascinating to me. Now, you might be wondering, how much can I alter my excitation and inhibition systems? It’s a good question. Evidence suggests there’s very little we can do to change the propensity of your excitation and inhibition systems, but you can change what these systems respond to to a certain degree. This is great news. You can change what your brakes think is threatening and you can also change the amount of threats in your environment. For example, if your sexual brakes think that a well lit room is a threat, you have a couple choices here: you can either retrain your mind to be okay having sex in broad daylight (which might be a little harder to do), or you can minimize the threat itself by just turning off all the lights or having sex by candlelight. Other common threats to your brakes would be things like having your kids sleeping in bed with you, having doors that don’t lock, having thin walls, worrying about STDs or pregnancy, worrying about your sexual reputation if you sleep with this person, struggling with self-esteem and body image, or being really stressed out.
And even better news is that you can apply the same logic to your sexual accelerator! Just increase the sexually relevant stimuli by changing the context to something more conducive to getting you in the mood. To do this thoroughly, you’ll need to sit down with a pen and paper and actually go through both some of your not so good and really good sexual experiences from your past and clearly articulate what was it, specifically, that made it either not good or good. You’re trying to extract the elements from each context that vibed or didn’t vibe with you. I’ll put a link to Nagoski’s worksheets in this episode’s synopsis. And my recommendation for expanding your scope of sexual stimuli is by doing some fun exploration with your partner. Kind of like what you did when you were in high school and fooling around with your boyfriend. You didn’t know where it was going to lead, there was no script to follow, you just tried things and had fun exploring and playing. It was much less outcome driven then and more about playful pleasure.
Well, I hope you all learned some good info about your sexual accelerator and sexual brakes that will hopefully help you tweak your sex life and your romantic life in the direction that you want it to be. Remember that almost nothing we find sexually appealing was innate in us at birth, we had to learn those things. So the good news is that even though we don’t know enough yet on how to change our excitation and inhibition systems themselves, we do know that we can affect how much sexual stimuli we bring forth into our lives and that with deliberate and focused attention, we even have the potential to change how we respond to our environment to neutralize threats and transform non-sexual stimuli into sexual stimuli with mental programming. Pretty amazing, right?
Well, this wraps up today’s show. Stay tuned for the next episode of F*ck Like a Woman, featuring our sexy story of the week about an unexpected attraction between a conservative accountant and a tattooed bartender.
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