Welcome everyone to F*ck Like a Woman, episode 3. Today’s show is all about unlocking your erotic mind and discussing some practical ways that you can stimulate your sexual mind.

But first, let me ask you a very important question: are you open to stimulating your sexual mind and erotic imagination even after years of being with the same person? If you’re even the slightest bit curious to hear a few ideas on how to get more sexy vibrations flowing through your relationship, I’ve collected some suggestions from both highly intelligent sex educators and respected authors. This is by no means a comprehensive list, but it’s a good start.

Let me preface this by saying that cultivating a strong, elaborate erotic imagination is an art, not a science, and equally important to note is that it is ever-changing. What arouses you today might not arouse you tomorrow. What evoked juicy sex last week may have no effect on your arousal this week. Desire thrives on novelty, uncertainty, and risk. Our brains do this all on their own with or without our conscious direction. My reason for making this point is that in order to let our erotic side flourish and play, it requires a certain amount of creativity to reinvent itself when things get stale, and a willingness to give it space to breath when the rigidity of relationship familiarity becomes stifling.

Lastly, if you’re anything like me, you’ve found yourself at all points of the sexual desire continuum at different chapters of your life and within your relationship. Because there is no one-size-fits-all model for igniting desire and arousal, these ideas are primarily meant to get your erotic wheels turning. Sometimes hearing what worked for someone else gives us inspiration to uncover what might work for us.

Part 1: Open Your Mind to See Sex All Around You

  1. Give yourself permission to masturbate regularly. However you define regularly is totally up to you, but don’t overlook it for very long. Allowing your mind to wander to erotic places is how you keep that world alive inside you. Our erotic imagination is a creative space to dream in whatever wild and virtuous ways we so desire, and no one, not a single person, is entitled to know what you fantasize about. This is a space that is purely yours, it is part of your sexual sovereignty. It’s also very common to wonder if your fantasies are “normal” and what they mean. You might even recognize that you would never dream of actually doing them in real life. Well, that’s the beauty of a fantasy, isn’t it, unless of course, yours involves something illegal. There are several highly respected professionals who have written about sexual fantasies in particular that might give you more insight into your particular fantasies (Michael Bader’s ‘Arousal: The Secret Logic of Fantasies’ or Esther Perel’s ‘Mating in Captivity’) are good books to start with), but remember that each person, situation, and context is layered with complexities so don’t assume the meaning of yours will necessarily be straightforward. The human psyche is intricate and often our erotic desires do not play by the same rules of politics and egalitarianism.
  2. Have you ever given him head just for your own pleasure? It’s pretty fucking hot. I recently read a book called, ‘Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm’ by Nicole Daedone. She talks about how incredibly sensual it is when a woman gives her man a blow job just for her own selfish pleasure. This was a concept I had never spent much time thinking about because with as much patriarchy that still exists in our notions about sex, many women usually frame going down on the guy as being about him, not about them, with obligatory undertones.  Many women tend to think of it as giving a service, rather than taking for their own selfish pleasure. Nicole had presented a very powerful paradigm shift. She instructs the women to first make it known that her intention is purely because she wants to enjoy feeling, licking, and sucking for the sake of her own enjoyment. Ladies, you could probably get him hard just by telling him you that’s what you want to do to him. Nicole says the key is going slow and taking the scenic route, you want to really stop and enjoy the shape, texture, flavor, look, and feel of it in your mouth. She encourages you to take notice of what you just did that made him grow, moan, or quiver. He’s your toy to play with. The fun of it is you’ve got him by the balls, literally.
  3. When you’re in the shower, are you thinking about sex? Do you watch the water droplets fall on your naked skin, drip down your breasts and glide down your legs? There is something so exquisitely beautiful about water falling on a naked body. See yourself through your lover’s eyes, and you will feel cherished. If you were going on a first date, how would you groom yourself in the shower? How do you show your body that you care about her? You get to decide what to shave and how much, but I will argue that a silky smooth freshly shaved body part always feels very sensual to the touch. I’d even take it a step farther and suggest caressing that freshly shaved body part in a self-appreciative, seductive way as you put your lotion on to really tap into why women’s silky skin is so pleasurable to our lovers. If that loving caress from your own hand turns into self-pleasure, then give your body what it wants. Indulge your body – she will feel sexy and desirable.
  4. When was the last time you had a really meaningful conversation with your man? I’m not going to repeat the same cliche bit about the importance of fostering more intimacy with your man, because for many committed couples having more intimacy actually undermines their sexual desire for their current partner (look up the “intimacy-desire paradox” and many of you will probably have a light bulb moment!). Instead, what I like most about meaningful conversations with my partner is peering into his mind to see what interesting perspectives and insights he’s had on life. Sometimes I’m pleasantly surprised to remember that I don’t know everything about him, that he is still mysterious and unknown. These types of conversations help us to see that we can always uncover new ground within our partner, and sometimes it’s not what we expected. The truth is we will never really know our partner. When we make an intentional effort to set aside time specifically designated for peering inside their mind and heart, we are reminded that they are their own unique person with thoughts and feelings different from ours. The longer we are with someone, the more we think we know them. But in fact, a wise coach recently told me, that you only know the version of your partner that they are being for you. In other words, you really have no idea what the rest of that iceberg contains. This is a fact, verified by the simple truth that as human beings we evolve and change all the time, every minute of every day. For this reason, don’t assume that just because your partner told you their opinions about something a year ago, that they still feel the same way, especially when it concerns their wants, needs, and expectations involving your relationship. For some people, that might trigger panic and fear, but look at the other side of the coin, it means that your partner and your relationship hold the promise of possibility and discovery – and isn’t that one of the key ingredients that makes a new relationship so appealing, exciting, and daydream-worthy?

Part 2: Put Yourself in His Shoes

  1. Ask yourself: if I were him, would I want to unwrap me? Think about if you were going out on a date with yourself, are you wearing something that invites playful seduction even down to your skimpies? In fact, have you ever let your man buy you clothes?  I recently tried this and it’s loads of fun. You experience the thrill of surrendering to whatever he wants to see on your body. You don’t get to judge, you don’t get to nitpick – your only job is to put it on and strut your shit out of the dressing room and wait for his eyes to cast the vote. It’s fun not only because you’re totally stepping out of your element and fashion routine, but you get to see him eyeball you from a whole new angle and learn what clothing pieces light him up. But don’t stop there, stay wrapped up in your package after you get home – men like the additional thrill of taking off what you had on for the night. You’re a package they’ve been waiting to unwrap the whole night; don’t deflate their balloon by undressing yourself. One last note on this point is to think about substituting some scrubbish pajamas with something a few degrees cuter for at least 3 or 4 nights of the week. And if you’re like me, you want to see him in some sexier clothes around the house, too, so either buy him some or tactfully drop some flirty hints about what he looks hot in.
  2. Depressurize the sexual initiation and invitation. A couple of things come to mind when I say this: one – his initiation to have sex when you’re not in the mood, and two – the invitation he extends that lacks sexual excitement. We all know there are plenty of times that he initiates when we’re not interested, but how you respond and with what tone makes all the difference. Instead of saying, “I don’t really feel like it,” you could flirt back and say, “not right now, but we definitely will later” so he knows you’re interested, but now isn’t a good time. The key is to imply there is going to be a later. Then there are the other times when he initiates, but his technique does nothing for you sexually – maybe there’s not enough anticipation or buildup to sufficiently intrigue you. If that’s the case, when he says something like, “do you want to have sex tonight?”, you could playfully say something like, “convince me,” which communicates you are open to it, but you need him to entice you. And don’t forget about the ways that you initiate. Many times you can initiate without an overt invitation. One great way you could initiate is to say, “want to give me a massage?” and he reads that as, “I get to put my hands on her naked body, which might lead to sex”. I recommend discussing with him what the easiest ways are to get you in the mood, and what are your favorite lead-ins to sex. When you ask for a massage, make it easy for him to read your signals by either blatantly getting naked or wearing a short night dress with no underwear on. It’s a win-win: he gets a great view while knowing where it will lead, and you get a rub-down with a happy ending.
  3. Are your texts to him still flirty? Has the flirty nature of your messaging eroded into boring, committed talk about the basic facts of life? There are some major differences in how we communicate now versus in the beginning of our relationship. You can probably admit that there’s more playfulness in our messages to our girlfriends than there is to our partner. Tell your man regularly that he is HOTTTTTT or SEXXXXY versus the less exciting version, ‘you look nice’. Put the playful flirting back in your messaging with some of these suggestions, and don’t be afraid to use the hell out of those emojis and punctuation marks:

Loving Committment      vs       Playfully Flirty

– How’s your day going?                 – Hey babe! How’s your day going? winkey face.PNG

– Be home soon                                – Hey love, be home soon. XOXO kissing

– Let’s go see a movie tonight         – Hey sexy, I want to take you to a movie tonight so I can have you all to myself lips romantic

– Have a good day                            – You looked sexy AF when you left for work this morning, GADAYUM firedevil

 

Part 3: Set the Scene

  1. Eliminate, or at the very least, minimize the activities you do in your bedroom that are not sleeping or fucking. The better you can train your brain to associate sexual pleasure with being in the bedroom, the less mental obstacles you’ll have when trying to get in the mood. Your intentions for the bedroom should be to experience pleasure or relaxation. If the bedroom is a place where you sleep with your kids, use as a work space, or watch a lot of TV in, then it’s time for a change because you have, in a sense, de-sexified your fuck space. Don’t shoot for perfection here because things will happen, and being too rigid about anything can feel restrictive. If you find your bedroom has become too uncomfortable for sex because of prior bad experiences, take it to the couch, the kitchen, the patio or wherever you find intriguing to get the good energy flowing again.
  2. Do you decorate your bedroom with pictures of your kids, or pictures of romantic vacations and past dates? Look, there is nothing wrong with having pictures of your family and your cuter-than-any-other children in your bedroom, buuuuuut it can change the atmosphere and mood of a room when you have reminders of your non-sexual domestic roles that make it harder for you to momentarily remember that you’re still a sexy seductress who knows how to conjure that freaky side every once in a while. You know what I’m talkin about. Our brains can’t help but put on the breaks when we remember our domestic lives and all the responsibilities that come with it; you might not even realize it’s affecting you. What you do want to remember is that trip, date, or moment where you and your bae were happy and connected romantically. Again, don’t strive for perfection on this one, but at least minimize it.
  3. Is the space clean or does it have clutter, dirty laundry, or children’s toys? A clear space is a sexy space. The bedroom is a space where you can breathe, relax, and let go. If you have to do a quick pickup, throw those dirty clothes or children’s toys in your closet until you have time to clean up tomorrow.
  4. Do you have adequate privacy? It can be important that you have a door that fully locks and windows that close so that you can really let go mentally, thereby letting go physically. Or, if you get a thrill out of the possibility of being exposed, then more power to you, just don’t do it if you have kids in the house!

 

Part 4: Amplify the Sensuality

  1. Do you want to taste delicious? Shower a couple hours before your date with him so that your body’s natural pheromones and juices have plenty of time to marinate before he consumes you. You’ll be the perfect amount of deliciousness when he tastes you – clean yet irresistible.
  2. Do you have orgasm-worthy music? Is it accessible? Is it commercial free? Really good, mood-appropriate music is key to making a lasting sexual memory that will stamp your brain. After having been with the same person for a while, you might consider this a superfluous addition to sex, but this is a great way to up your vibrations. Remember that we’re aiming for quality over quantity, so the details in creating your experience are key. Having a portable stereo that you can take with you to the bathtub or any area of the house is super important. Make sure you’re not listening to music that has annoying commercials that interrupt the heightened mood you just spent precious time creating. I personally love R&B and most things Adam Levine – have you heard his song ‘Lips on You’?? yummy….)
  3. Is your bedroom & bathroom decor sexy? Have you considered how sexually appealing your bedroom and bathroom are? The last thing you want to look at when you’re in the middle of getting licked in the shower or bathtub is an ugly eye sore. Decor that doesn’t add a sexual vibe to the ambiance should be replaced. TJ Maxx, Ross, or Home Goods are always winners for cheap, sexy pieces.
  4. What texture and color palette makes you feel like a sex kitten? Does black, red, hot pink, or just plain nude make you feel most playful? Find the perfect texture for your sheets: soft, silky, smooth – you decide what feels most sensual. Basically are they something you would want to touch with your naked body, or a color you associate with sex? You get to decide.
  1. Are you using an aroma in your sex play? Scent coupled with a heightened experience is incredibly powerful at imprinting a memory. You are literally making your mark on your lover – they will think of you and sex whenever they smell it. Scents enhance how luxurious and pleasurable the experience is as a whole. It’s all about the details, people!!

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Lastly, I want to hear how you have found sexiness in overlooked places and what has helped you to cultivate more sexiness in your daily lives. If any of these ideas helped or inspired you, let me know in the comments section. I’d love to hear from you!!

Stay tuned for the next episode of F*ck Like a Woman, featuring our sexy story of the week about an alpha male who found pleasure in surrendering to a dominatrix. You don’t want to miss it!

Welcome to the very first episode of F*ck Like a Woman. Today’s episode is all about embracing your sexual curiosity.

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Today’s show is really special because it’s a culmination of all the expertise and experience I’ve gathered on sex and love throughout my 3 decades on this planet. My efforts came out of trying to repair my own romantic life after being on the brink of divorce twice while struggling with conflicting new identities of mother, wife, career woman, and who I was as a single girl before all that happened. And as life tends to do, my darker moments pushed me to dig deep within myself to figure out how I wanted to construct my life, and stop living on autopilot.

Let me rewind a little bit to give you some backstory on what drove me to connect with you. I had a real scarcity of people I could talk to about sex, I live in Texas for crying out loud, specifically honest conversations where I didn’t have to clean up my language or gloss over the fun parts. The limited conversations I did have with people only grew my appetite. But it wasn’t enough for me – I needed more – more perspectives of sexuality and more candid dialogue about what they took away from their experiences. I wanted to know the play by play details of people’s sexual escapades – both within committed relationships and out. Specifically, I wanted women to be less squeamish and embarrassed about their sex lives, especially because for every story out there, there are at least thousands, if not millions, of other people who could relate. And just think: if we could share more and judge less, how much better could we make this world for ourselves and for our daughters?

And then one day I had an idea: I wanted to create a platform where steamy, pleasurable, and even embarrassing sex stories could be told candidly and shared with other curious pleasure-seekers like me – in detail! I wanted a space for smart and thoughtful women with relationship experience to feel comfortable learning from their sexual preferences and to be encouraged and inspired to view themselves in a more compassionate and accepting light. I want women to feel entitled to really live and exist inside their bodies, to feel emboldened to own their own space – both sexually and holistically. This is what I want for you.

To do this, I’m going to share the invaluable guidance and insight I’ve learned from sex educators and relationship experts along with experiences and lessons from my own life. My goal for this podcast is to help other women live better lives by becoming intentional and mindful first for ourselves, and secondly for our partners.

Sex isn’t everything in life, nor should it be. But, the reason we should care about managing our romantic lives is that when we experience trouble in love and sex, a tremendous amount of precious energy is consumed at the hands of worry and anxiety at trying to solve those riddles. If this energy, this extremely valuable resource that has finite limitations in a single day, could be freed up to fuel our greater purpose in life by having at our disposal the collective wisdom of our shared experiences through a platform such as this, then just think how much more could be accomplished in our lives and offered up as our contribution to the world. Our ability to achieve self-actualization is the key to manifesting our greatest potential. Even though it’s just one of the many paths that contribute to self-actualization, our love life usually yields the greatest power to throw us off course and down a road that leads us astray from our truest selves.

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Inspiration for naming the show, F*ck Like a Woman, came from my desire to join the movement to restore our genderized sexual discourse from being so bluntly masculinized and blending in the feminization of sex to create a healthy balance of both masculine and feminine undertones. Did I lose you? To give you an idea of what the hell I’m talking about when I say sex has predominantly been masculinized, sex is usually discussed and thought of in a results-driven, outcome-focused paradigm, which centers primarily on quantifying and strategizing sex. I don’t know about you, but that sure doesn’t sound sexy to me. It’s a very performance-based framework that relies heavily on comparison of oneself to another, and quite frankly, it often leaves us feeling inadequate, defeated, and frustrated. We’ve all seen examples of this framework in real life; things like how many times per week is “normal” to have sex, how to have an orgasm without fail, how to increase your orgasms during sex, how to make her squirt with these erection techniques, how to get an instant hard-on, how to fix your sexless marriage, and on and on… you get the picture. It’s not that there isn’t valuable information to be gained by knowing more methods and techniques, but the problem is that desire and eroticism don’t often play by the rules.

Instead, we’ll be focusing on feminizing our sexual discourse by reframing pleasure and eroticism as an artistic skill that we learn to cultivate, one that is often filled with paradoxes and complexities that sometimes leave us with more questions than answers. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I want one framework more than the other, it’s that we need a feminized space to wander and explore before returning back to what is. It wouldn’t make anyone’s life better to have a distortion of femininity to masculinity. This is why it’s about balance; everything is about balance. We should have the ability to see life from each vantage point and have compassion and understanding for all issues facing men and women. But in order to do this, we must bring light to the paradigm that has been left in the shadows, the one that brings context and sensuality to the forefront, the one that lets imagination and fantasy roam free, the one that lets creativity and leisure come out to play.

Sex educators teach that sexual context is one of the most important parts to creating an amazing intimate experience. But when we open up and share about our sexual escapades, we’re almost always missing the WHY – why was this so arousing? Why do you still fantasize about that rendezvous from 5 years ago? To me, the WHY is just as important and intriguing as the erotic details. If arousal starts in the brain, then knowing the WHY gives us insight into what to do more of and how we can elaborate in other contexts to make sex feel just as good, if not better.

Sexual arousal doesn’t happen in a vacuum. What I mean is that even that one-night stand means something, and I’m not talking about just pure pleasure for pleasure’s sake. I’m talking about WHY you chose that partner and not someone else, WHY did you perform those specific positions and acts, WHAT do they say about your preferences? Where did those preferences come from? How much of it was from your upbringing, how much was shaped by your family’s attitudes about sex, how much was learned from the cultural script you were socialized into performing? Most importantly, what does your sex say about you? These are the more interesting questions we should be asking, not just the behavior and technique of sex. I believe that our sex is a text to be read, one that is worth some introspection. Spend some time to look inward to learn about yourself, if not for your sake then for your partner’s sake or your future partner’s sake.

Sex is one of the most, if not the most, intimate spaces of our lives. We’re giving our bodies to another person. Our bodies come with stories – stories about where we’ve been, what we’ve been through, what we value and how we treat ourselves, and stories about how we love ourselves. It’s where all our vulnerabilities come out of hiding, where we can no longer conceal our feelings behind masks and where even the best actors can’t disguise everything. Sex is where we strip down to our most fundamental human needs: our need to be seen, to be heard, and to be validated. If in our sex lives these basic needs to connect are not met, the reverberations of our inadequacies can be felt in nearly every part of our lives – most supremely in our relationships. As author and psychotherapist Esther Perel says, “the quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives.”

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So how does all this fit in with who I am as your host? As I mentioned earlier, I’m a life coach with a passionate interest in sex and relationship issues who decided to use the information I had learned in repairing my own marriage to turn it into a love and sex podcast for women. I’ve also been married just under 10 years and have a small family. But let me tell you… those 10 years with the same man have taught me innumerable lessons about sex, love, intimacy, and most importantly about myself. To summarize these 10 years together, we’ve survived 2 separations, 2 divorce cancellations, navigating a waning sex life that used to be so hot we spent almost all weekend in bed, the two of us raising a tiny baby together, me managing a team of people while clocking in the overtime at a job I hated, all while sorting through the psychological baggage from my childhood trauma that I’d brought with me into our relationship.

From the outside we had a great life, but in truth I’d settled in so many ways. I had settled for a life I didn’t want. In fact, it repulsed me because I had dug such a deep hole for myself that I didn’t know how to get out of it. As a couple, we had become complacent and cynical. I was judgmental, irritable, chronically stressed, and beyond burnt out at work.  We treated each other worse than we treated strangers and our efforts to keep score were mounting the animosity we felt toward each other. Oh ya, did I mention we were having shitty sex and neither of us was happy about it? I was angry because I had become someone I inherently was not. It was like the joy was sucked out of me. Have you ever been in a chapter of your life and wondered to yourself: how the fuck did I get here? That was me.

The beauty in all my personal evolution was that it made me fight for what I love, which ultimately I realized was life itself. We are all responsible for the choices that we make in this life, and for the energy that we bring to our space. We can alter the reality that we perceive by shifting our mindset toward what is good, what is in alignment with our higher selves, and once we know what we don’t want, we actually know what we do want.

So I left my position as an account manager at the company I had been with for nearly 6 years in pursuit of aligning my personality and skill set with a more fulfilling career, which ultimately led me to life coaching. I love inspiring and motivating people to live a life worth living, to go for what brings joy, purpose, and fulfillment into their souls. What I didn’t predict was that I wanted more, more knowledge, more learning, more opportunities to share information with people – specifically about the topics that I love so much – primarily about sex, intimacy, and relationship issues that I had spent so much time reading and studying about to solve my own problems. And that’s how the podcast came to fruition.

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In my 3 decades on this planet, this is what I’ve come to learn about sex:

Sex is vastly more beautiful and expansive than we usually give it credit for. It is present in all areas of our lives, and is both an energy force pulsating through us and a transcendent medium through which we travel to find new and vibrant parts of ourselves. Sex is not just the sum of all its parts or the expectant outcome of one grand finale. There is a potency to sex that can feel uncomfortable, threatening, and overwhelming, yet on the other hand can be healing, regenerative, and life-giving. It can be exquisite and poetic.

Sex lets us connect with another human being, and not always in the flesh. Sometimes that connection comes in the form of our imagination, a computer screen, over the phone, or through messaging. And it’s nonetheless powerful. The ways in which we continue to find creative ways to seek out this potent force are endless and never ceasing. The method through which we pursue that connection can reveal a good deal about our unique circumstances, motivations, human needs and comfort level. Sometimes asking for or engaging in the kind of sex we truly desire is so frightening that finding it through alternative methods is all the courage we can muster. Sex allows us to be seen, recognized, and acknowledged – even within casual sex. At its root, it makes us feel important – important enough to be chosen by another, to be desired, to be longed for, and to be consumed. Sexual play at its best grants us a sacred experience of really existing inside the body and appreciating its magnificent design.

Most importantly, sex has a lot to do with our self-esteem and how we think and feel about ourselves. It’s a big part of the identity we carry around, whether it’s tucked away as a prize to be won, proudly flaunted as a badge of merit for others to see, or cherished and freely given as a select experience for one who is worthy. Sex says so much about who we are in the present. It is a language all its own, requiring each new partner to learn the physical, biological, and psychological intricacies of the one sharing it, or consequently be lost in the details and left only to pick up the universal gestures that leave much to interpretation. Each body, mind, heart, and desire is different, unique, and complex. Granted, sex has overarching patterns and oftentimes follows a bell curve, but it is also fluid, rebellious, and ever-changing. It moves rhythmically within each moment and its dimensions are constantly expanding and contracting.

It’s easy to judge and immediately jump to conclusions about another person’s character, integrity, and morals when they engage in socially unacceptable sexual behavior within a particular context. Instead of casting judgement, I would like to peruse a myriad of ideas to see what we can learn about the human psyche in order to uncover motivating factors, to discover what alternatives, if any, might allow for a better life experience, and to shed light onto various taboo subjects that are deliberately kept in the dark. Let this not be mistaken for granting permission of all sexual acts under the guise of liberation, but instead be viewed as an exploratory measure to observe and understand what is at the root of its creation and to give careful thought to its labyrinth of complexities.

My interest lies in sharing compelling stories and initiating conversations that would otherwise not be told, and in doing so, giving them room to breathe, an opportunity to exhale, a chance to touch someone else’s heart and open their eyes to the expansive stretching of the universe, and perhaps most therapeutically, to allow their holder a chance to be set free.

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That’s it for today everyone; stay tuned for the next episode of F*ck Like a Woman, featuring our sexy story of the week about a young woman’s first orgasm with her high school sweetheart. You don’t want to miss it!