If you’ve ever struggled with guilt or shame around your sexuality that has roots in your religion, listen to this couple share their embarrassing and raw struggles with managing sexual desire while conflicting with the shaming messages from their faith. Creators of the “Show Up Naked” podcast, Eric & Stephanie Molletta, confess to all the humiliating details surrounding the shame & guilt of their religious past.

And this isn’t a conversation about a specific religion or denouncing God or religion in general, but rather a discussion to identify some of the challenges that can become major inhibitors not just to a couple’s sex life, but to the stability and integrity of the relationship itself when left unexamined.  

On the Show Up Naked Podcast, Eric and Stephanie aim to unapologetically tackle the tough and raw conversations about sex, relationships, and marriage that are usually hidden from the public eye that you rarely see discussed with such honesty, especially on social media. Their inspiration for the show started out of a desire to share their courageous story with infidelity, what it taught them about living intimately and authentically, and how embracing your naked beauty is a path to emotional vulnerability and spiritual growth.

 

Check out Eric and Stephanie’s podcast at www.showupnaked.com or follow them on Instagram at https://www.instagram.com/showupnaked/.

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It’s Sexual Assault Awareness Month! (April)

Welcome to episode 25 of F*ck Like a Woman. Today, I’m discussing toxic masculinity, redefining gender roles, and how some of our sexual stereotypes about men directly impact their sex lives. This episode isn’t meant to attack men or tell men they need to be more sensitive or that they have to discard their whole masculinity. And it certainly isn’t meant as a gender war to spark debates about who is the greater villain or who is the greater victim. For time’s sake we can only cover a fraction of the full potential of this conversation, but I hope it initiates some thoughtful conversation for you in safe spaces. My intention is to let men know they have choices, they have options, and one of the options available is that they can still keep the masculine attributes that feel comfortable for them, but we have to identify what defining parts of masculinity continue to be toxic to men, women, little boys, and little girls because those parts have got to go. The aggression, the violence, and the perpetual need to establish dominance and maintain control are among the most concerning elements of toxic masculinity. In fact, one of the 9 predictors of divorce that the Gottman Institute discovered is men’s inability to accept influence from their women. So if we think these conversations don’t directly affect our daily lives, think again.

  • With that said, let me ask you: Don’t you want full access to all of the capabilities you have as a human being? We let ourselves be controlled by forces outside ourselves all the time – for the good and for the bad. But when it’s to the detriment of our ability to be a full human being, then you’re really cheating yourself and you’re being cheated by these systems out of your greatest potential. You only have 1 life to live, don’t you want it to be a damn good one?
  • When you get men alone, you hear sometimes completely different messages than when they’re in front of other guys or even women.
    • So for you men out there who have ever felt that you don’t quite fit into this rigid box of masculinity, you are not alone. Therapists have known this for a long time. If you could hear what I hear as a coach, you would know that lots of men don’t feel they quite measure up to this one main way of doing masculinity, but they feel the pressure of losing social status if they don’t keep up the outward display for women, but especially for other men.
  • It doesn’t mean you’re weak, less manly or less masculine to question these things
      • In fact, I would argue that not bucking the norm of this one rigid way of doing masculinity is actually a very passive stance
      • Toxic masculinity specifically is really a caricature of a very antiquated way of doing masculinity to the detriment of everyone’s mental and physical health – men, women, and children. Men’s violence, which is a primary component of toxic masculinity, is connected not just to women, but to other men and to themselves also – the same system that produces men who abuse women, creates men who abuse other men and boys, and who abuse themselves via male suicide
      • I believe that when a man bucks the masculine norms and rejects the notion of being seen as an animalistic, unemotional, aggressive, and a sexually aggressive caveman who is always ready to fuck, always ready to fight, always ready to prove he’s a real man, who can “grab women by the pussy” cause he’s gonna give her what she deserves, he’s actually demonstrating that he’s very subversive, very autonomous, and fully self-determined in making his own choices and he isn’t going to let someone else narrowly and rigidly define who he is and how he’s going to be portrayed.
    • And these ideas directly impact and effect our sex lives. In the last 30 minutes of my video, I talk about women’s role in perpetuating some of these male sexual stereotypes that make it difficult for men to express themselves in a more transparent way.
  • We all have a part to play in creating and facilitating these conversations, just like we do for any other form of discrimination – but let’s not kid ourselves, certain groups of people have more responsibility in leading the way, specifically the members of the dominant groups who are benefiting from these systemic privileges and maintaining the control
  • Usually the people who criticize social progress are those who have either not educated themselves on the issues that directly affect the lives of those who are suffering or they are the very people who benefit from things staying the same
    • A lot of times a sign that you can tell if someone is the benefactor of a certain type of privilege is if that the issue is actually invisible to them, it means that they’re not the one who is dealing with the negative consequences of it and therefore they can’t or don’t want to recognize its legitimacy
  • As Martin Luther King, Jr. was quoted saying in the struggle for civil rights, “In the end what will hurt the most is not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.”

I think underneath a lot of what’s so concerning about this for men is that they wonder if they’ll have any value after we neutralize their masculinity – it’s kind of like, what am I supposed to do now? If I’m not allowed to be the protector, the rock, the provider, or whatever, then what? Where do i find my identity, my value, my worth, the thing that only i can provide, the thing that you can’t get from your girlfriends, your job, or your children, your vibrator. This is what I know how to do and how to be, and now i’m being told I shouldn’t be or do this, so how do I maintain some sort of worth.

  • We live in a culture with mixed signals – rewarded sometimes yet other times told something else. Tell your sons, I expect more from you
    • What’s at stake?
      • It’s much easier to build healthy children than to repair broken men. – Fredrick Douglas

 

  • BOYS WILL BE BOYS IS ACTUALLY AN ANTI-MALE STATEMENT –
    • This argument is made to defend bad behavior
    • This idea that men can’t control themselves and dont have the mental capacity to control their actions and have full control over their faculties
    • That men aren’t moral actors and agents who can make ethical decisions – they’re just “BEASTS”
    • If that doesn’t sound like having low expectations for men, I don’t know what does
  • The “Wussification” of men –
      • The question should be: what does it mean to be strong?
        • Not centered around aggression – so antiquated
        • This is a caricature
        • Apologizing = admitting weakness
        • This is neanderthal thinking – this is absurdity on a high level

 

  • But also on this note, we need to recognize that the ability and risk for certain boys and men who live in particular sub-cultures within our larger american culture have significantly harder challenges challenging this dominant version of masculinity because their safety is literally at stake – so you could maybe even make the argument that saying, “you just have to speak up” is a privileged point of view to a large extent. Its not saying it’s impossible to pick and choose your battles, but it’s not so simple in some communities where the stakes are much higher. To survive.
    • So much of young boys and young men life has direct ties to their family life
  • Sexual abuse in military by men to men – overwhelming perpetrators and significant amount of victims – “Spotlight” movie about Catholic church sexual scandals
    • It was women feminists who brought these topics up and don’t get credit for shining light on sexual abuse to boys and young men – but you never hear this in the public conversation, instead they’re portrayed as anti-male and male bashing

 

  • These are LEADERSHIP issues for men, not sensitivity training
    • Not because you’re a nice guy helping out the women, but because you’re a leader and we need to raise the bar

 

True prevention is going to the root of the problem – and this means going to boys and men

        • And the men were talked to as you’d better do this or else you’re going to have trouble with the law (Men were focused on as perps or potential perps) – turns men off, they tune out – I’m a good guy, it’s a problem but its not my problem
        • We need to raise the bar a little higher for what it means to be a good guy in america for 2019 – you shouldn’t get high fives for not being a rapist
        • Challenge and interrupting the behavior
      • Members of the dominant group – white, heterosexual, male  for example – it’s your job to challenge them – if you don’t say something, what are you saying? Attitudes influence actions
        • “Those who remain neutral take the side of the oppressor”
        • Start with more concrete things and examples, instead of going for the grey areas like comedy – there’s a context, nuance, and subtly
        • Think critically and introspectively about their language and behavior – they need to make those determinations for themselves
          • You have to step out of your comfort zone to gain any kind of understanding

 

  • Everybody wants to find a place and a person who accepts them despite what their body looks like, despite their education, the salary they make, their sexual background, their sexual attraction market value (conventional attractiveness) – everyone wants this, this is something that transcends every difference we all have
    • As Kamala Harris says, “You don’t let people tell you who you are, you tell THEM who you are.”

 

My guest today shares a dark family secret ridden with shame – he was birthed out of incest. He opens up about his experiences with an alcoholic father and learning the shocking truth about where he came from.

Lynn Everard is now an author, a life coach, and a speaker, hoping to share his heartfelt message with the world about how speaking your truth could save your life. You can find more information on my guest here: https://lynneverard.com/ 

Specifically, we’re going to talk about:

  • The lack of physical touch for young boys
    • “As men we all have a war within that robs us of our peace but also can negatively impact the women in our lives, but as men discover their own war and are able to let go of it they become more capable living their lives from a place of balance. This includes how we treat and relate to women.” – Lynn Everard
  • His recent experience coaching a workshop for men called the Masculine Journey
  • The balancing act of masculine and feminine within all of us
    • “All men and women carry both the feminine and the masculine within. Our experiences, sexual identity and belief systems impact how we deal with it. I believe that many, if not most, men fear our feminine aspect. And as men we often attack what we fear. As men we cannot attack the feminine concept but we can attack women. I am not saying that this is the only possible truth on the matter but rather something to explore.” – Lynn Everard
  • His childhood experiences with incest and how it shaped his life and his 34 year marriage
  • Lynn’s upcoming book, How Speaking Your Truth Can Save Your Life and How It Saved Mine and he’s the co-creator of the soon to be launched How To Speak Your Truth Workshop.
  • By assisting his clients in writing their life stories, he helps them speak their own truth. Lynn believes in helping aspiring writers become powerful authors of their own lives.

 

This is a FUN episode! Today, I’m exploring some psychological theories behind some of the most popular sexual fantasies. It’s more playful than last week’s episode of part 1, but I highly recommend you watch that video here if you haven’t already so that you can follow along better with this one. And I strongly suggest you watch/listen along with the video version rather than audio by clicking here.

Here are a few of the fantasies I cover on this podcast:

1.Rape Fantasies

2.S&M

3.Master/Slave

4.Diapered & Babied

5.Asphyxiation

6.Golden/Brown Showers

7.Group Sex – (men on men, women on women, cuckolding, orgies, etc.)

8.Incest

It’s important to educate yourself on where your fantasies come from and what they might mean, but be cautious not to use sexual fantasy interpretations as a one-size-fits-all explanation, as it depends on the person and their unique circumstances. But theories can bring us generalizations that can be helpful at times to explain commonalities among large groups. There will always be exceptions and outliers of course, as a myriad of factors influence our fantasies.

Some things to keep in mind as we delve into the deeper meanings of sexual fantasies:

  • All of the meanings depend on the person
  • The meaning, the thought, the feeling, or the behavior is subjective and not formulaic, and it doesn’t always mean the same thing
  • But I will say that if, as we go along, something strikes a cord in you or you find yourself smiling or laughing, that’s probably your internal needle saying, hey! I find some truth to this! 
  • There is another fact about this topic that we cannot escape, and that is as Esther Perel says, one person’s fantasy is another person’s turn-off. However, once you can educate yourself on what your own fantasies mean, it will grease the wheels in understanding what your partner’s fantasies might mean so that you can try to counteract any fear, shame, or embarrassment that you both might feel in revealing them. And in other cases, one might have no intention of actually acting upon a fantasy in real life. Fantasy and reality are two very different things in the world of human sexuality. I cannot stress that enough. Just because you fantasize about something does not necessarily mean you want to or would ever want to act on it.

 

Welcome everyone to episode 8 of F*ck Like a Woman, today’s show is our sexy story of the week about one woman’s sexual liberation unexpectedly found through a ménage à trois in Paris.

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Elise was 27 when she flew to Paris for the summer with her friend Mariana. They had both been dying to go for months and finally found the money and time to get away. Both were single girls and loved to roam new cities and discover adventure wherever they landed. After they recovered from jet lag, unpacked, and got settled in for the next week, they looked up all the hot spots that Paris’s nightlife had to offer.

Saturday night was upon them and they were giddy happy to get all glammed up with their sexy high heels, short dresses, and that killer diva look. They took a cab and headed for a popular nightclub in downtown. When they got there, the scene looked promising with tons of people dressed to the 9s and lots of hot guys. The drinks started flowing and they had settled in at a small party’s table, hitting it off with a couple of guys. Both Elise and Mariana were drawn to one guy in particular, Jaque, because he had a certain confidence about him while all his friends were giving off a vibe of desperation. As the night went on, it became clear that both Elise and Mariana wanted Jaque for themselves. Inhibitions gone, they decided that they should both take him back to their hotel room for the night.

They ditched the nightclub, got in a cab, and made it excitedly back up to their room. They broke out a bottle of champagne and went out to the balcony to look at the city lights. Elise and Mariana were nervous, they weren’t sure what was about to happen, but decided they’d flow with the moment wherever it took them. But inside Elise was more excited than she was letting on. What Mariana didn’t know was that Elise had been curious about girls for years and had never had the courage to actually openly hit on a girl. She didn’t consider herself as strictly lesbian because she was definitely attracted to guys, but she was also aroused by certain girls and had watched lesbian porn sometimes. Elise wanted to know what it was like to kiss a girl and touch her soft body. She was curious if it would feel just as divine in real life as it had in her fantasies.

Jaque came up behind Mariana on the balcony and kissed her, he grabbed her hips and pulled them in toward his waist. He moved his hands down her legs and back up her thighs under her dress. He started rubbing her pussy and slid his fingers inside. Elise was watching and getting wet from everything she saw, wanting to partake but also completely captivated watching his ruthlessness. He took Mariana and bent her over in front of him on the balcony rubbing her clit and lifting up her dress completely, then slid down her silky thong past her heels. Elise walked over, grabbed Jaque’s face and pulled him toward her, kissing him fiercely until he let one hand off Mariana and onto Elise’s ass. Mariana turned around to take his hand and Elise’s, and guided them back inside to the bed. Mariana pushed Jaque onto the bed and took Elise’s hand and pulled her onto the bed with them. She leaned into Elise and kissed her deliciously, biting her lip. Mariana pulled down her dress, grabbed Elise’s hands and put them on her breasts, guiding her to squeeze them. Elise touched Mariana’s breasts and stroked her nipples, finally working up the nerve to kiss and suck each one. Jaque watched intently as Mariana pushed Elise down, lifted up her dress, and started kissing her stomach, then her hips, then her thighs, and finally licked her skin just outside her panties. She pulled down Elise’s panties and started licking her pussy softer than she’d ever been licked, putting her fingers deep inside her. Elise was completely turned on and felt like she was going to cum, but she couldn’t quite get there. She didn’t know how to orgasm without a guy so she turned toward Jaque who was totally hard after watching Mariana’s face between Elise’s thighs. She jumped on top straddling him, and fucked him hard. She had been so aroused by what Mariana had done to her that she came in a matter of minutes. Elise climbed off Jaque, lying there exhausted and exhilarated. Then Mariana mounted Jaque. He slid his dick inside, gripping her hips tightly as she grinded back and forth. Her body glided in smooth rotations as she rode him harder and faster, clenching his chest. Finally Jaque erupted in pleasure, but Mariana couldn’t finish, so Jaque flipped her over, bent her over the bed, spread her legs apart and licked her pussy from behind. Mariana gripped the sheets, screaming louder, and came all over Jaque’s mouth.

Elise felt as though she had been a caged animal finally let loose and freed to play in a wild and tantalizing fantasy. That experience with Mariana forever changed her sexual appetite and expanded her desires for more female sex play. She would have never thought that a woman could give her such pleasure, especially surpassing the sexual enjoyment she had felt with men. Elise wondered how she would now navigate this new sexual territory and if it would become problematic in her future relationships with men. Would they judge her moral character for her same-sex play, would they become so aroused by it they would want her to perform it in the bedroom, or would it be seen as a threat to their male sexuality and prowess? And what she discovered was that yes, all of these were true. But more importantly, she realized that no one could lay claim to her sexuality because it was inherently and solely hers. She might be subject to the terms of agreement set forth overtly and covertly in her relationships, but her sexual sovereignty would remain forever hers in her mind and in her desires.

That’s it for today guys, next week we’re going to be talking about the communication styles between happy couples and unhappy couples. Stay tuned.

Welcome everyone to F*ck Like a Woman, episode 4. On today’s show, we’re sharing our sexy story of the week inspired by real people and real events that might encourage some playful exploration or ignite some passion to bring back to your lover. This story is about an alpha male who found pleasure in surrendering to a dominatrix.

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As soon as Nathan laid eyes on her at the business dinner, he knew there was something different about her. Amelie was the CEO of an up and coming marketing firm and had been Nathan’s top pick at strategizing how to take his IT company to the next level. As she walked through the restaurant doors, it wasn’t just the way she looked: her dark hair pulled back into a ponytail on top of her head, her blue eyes matching the sparkle of genuine diamonds in her ears. He had seen plenty of women who could dress up like that and look sweet enough. It was the way Amelie met his gaze steadily, not pulling her eyes away from his, not deferring away like so many other women did. It was the way her hips swayed back and forth with such confidence, such certainty. And in that moment, Nathan knew he wanted her.

“Nathan, right?” Her eyes piercing through his. The sound of his name on her lips seemed as though it had been created just to reside inside her mouth, sending a shiver down his spine. “That’s right,” he nodded, hearing his voice crack, an unusual reaction for him. “Amelie,” she replied, reaching into her pocket and pulling out a card. She pressed it into his hand as she sat down next to him, letting her fingers linger there for a long moment, as though she, too, felt the rush of electricity from his skin to hers.

An hour into the meeting, their chemistry was heightening and nearly palpable, but it was getting late and Nathan had promised to meet a client downtown for drinks.

As they gathered their things and walked outside into the crisp winter air, Nathan tried to curb his interest in her by reaching for a handshake. She placed her hand slowly in his, grinning deviously. “Call me,” she told him, letting her gaze flick down to his lips for a moment before she turned on her high heels and walked away into the darkness. He looked down at his pants, wondering if it was obvious he had an erection. Still feeling her gaze burning into him, he knew that he was going to do just as she asked.

This newfound feeling of obedience was unfamiliar to him, completely foreign. Nathan wasn’t used to giving anyone else any kind of control over him. He had run his own IT company for the last nine years, since he had left college, and it had required him to be in charge at every given moment. And he wouldn’t have had it any other way in his professional life. But his personal life? Well, that was still lacking. So he decided that calling Amelie might just be the way to go. He had never dated a woman who ran her own firm before. Maybe it would be the chance of pace that he needed?

Later that week, he dialed her number, and they exchanged some pleasantries before he came right out and admitted that he’d like to ask her out, but he wasn’t sure how she felt about mixing business with pleasure. Amelie didn’t play coy like so many of his other dates, and she seemed straight to the point, blunt, almost. Her certainty pierced through the phone, confident that their interest in each other would stay separate from their business relationship. So on that note, he invited her to his place for dinner that weekend, and she agreed, sounding pleased by his straightforwardness. “You’ll cook for me?” She asked, though it sounded more like an order than a question. The firmness in her voice cracked like a whip through his system, and he agreed at once.

As soon as she arrived to his loft on Saturday night, he could tell where the night was going; the tension in the room was intense, burning between them as soon as she stepped through the door in her little black dress. He had cooked a full dinner, but as soon as he laid eyes on her, any thought he might have given to eating seemed to slip out of his head just like that. Her mouth curled into a smile as soon as she saw the elaborate meal he’d prepared, seeing that he’d done just as she’d asked.

They broke open a bottle of wine and Nathan walked her around his apartment, showing her the balcony view overlooking the city in his upscale neighborhood. With their glances becoming more and more sexually charged, Amelie moved toward him on the balcony, pressing her body against him, her breasts squeezed into his chest. Moving her hand across the back of his neck, she gripped his hair and pulled his face into hers. She slid her hand between his legs to grip his cock as she kissed him.

“On your knees,” she purred in his ear as she pulled back. He found himself sinking down at once. He didn’t even question it, in fact, he heard himself let out a quiet moan in excited anticipation of what she was going to do to him. Slipping into some blissful place that he had never even known was inside him, Nathan was finally out of control and someone else called the shots. It was surprisingly intoxicating to just surrender.

Amelie pushed his face down onto her shoes, ordering him to take her heels off with his mouth. He had never imagined doing something like that before, but as soon as his mouth found the leather of her heels, he gave in, committed beyond anything else to giving himself over to her, surrendering to her in every way she would let him.

She stroked his head, murmuring “good pet”, as he kissed her legs. He loved her commands. She guided him over to the couch, pulled off his tie, bound his hand behind his back, and pushed his head between her legs to eat her out; the musky sweetness of her pussy filling his mouth – his cock strained in his pants, but she had bound him tight.

“Don’t even think about touching yourself,” she ordered him, clearly not interested in his pleasure where she could focus on her own; he went down on her until his jaw ached and his tongue was raw. He would have kept going all night if she hadn’t pulled his head away and unbuckled his pants. Nathan had never had a woman dominate him. She took his throbbing dick in her hand and stroked it, teasingly slow, drawing a pained groan from his over sensitized form.

She sheathed a condom onto him swiftly, and then lowered herself down on top of him, taking him in deep. In a low voice she warned,“Come before I do, and I’ll punish you,”. She hooked her arms around him and rode him hard. He ached to touch her body, her hips, her breasts, but his hands were still bound behind his back and she was the one calling all the shots – the speed, the depth, the motion of his cock in her pussy. She tipped her head back as she rode him and he drank her in, the sight of this woman, this woman who controlled every part of him – this woman who he wanted to.

And then, she came, grinding herself down on his dick, her eyes burning into his as she let the feeling rush over her. He was so close – but before he had a chance to do the same, she lifted herself off of him, leaving his jaw clenched and his body tensed with the need for her.

“If you think I’m done with you,” she moved behind him, grabbing his bound hands and yanking him to his feet. “You’ve got another thing coming.”

She led him to the bedroom and shoved him onto the bed. This was what Nathan had been waiting for. Someone to restore balance to the tensions of his overly controlled life. Someone to release the mounting pressure of what it meant to be an alpha male in a world where he secretly found pleasure and freedom in domination. Someone like Amelie.

Welcome everyone to F*ck Like a Woman, episode 3. Today’s show is all about unlocking your erotic mind and discussing some practical ways that you can stimulate your sexual mind.

But first, let me ask you a very important question: are you open to stimulating your sexual mind and erotic imagination even after years of being with the same person? If you’re even the slightest bit curious to hear a few ideas on how to get more sexy vibrations flowing through your relationship, I’ve collected some suggestions from both highly intelligent sex educators and respected authors. This is by no means a comprehensive list, but it’s a good start.

Let me preface this by saying that cultivating a strong, elaborate erotic imagination is an art, not a science, and equally important to note is that it is ever-changing. What arouses you today might not arouse you tomorrow. What evoked juicy sex last week may have no effect on your arousal this week. Desire thrives on novelty, uncertainty, and risk. Our brains do this all on their own with or without our conscious direction. My reason for making this point is that in order to let our erotic side flourish and play, it requires a certain amount of creativity to reinvent itself when things get stale, and a willingness to give it space to breath when the rigidity of relationship familiarity becomes stifling.

Lastly, if you’re anything like me, you’ve found yourself at all points of the sexual desire continuum at different chapters of your life and within your relationship. Because there is no one-size-fits-all model for igniting desire and arousal, these ideas are primarily meant to get your erotic wheels turning. Sometimes hearing what worked for someone else gives us inspiration to uncover what might work for us.

Part 1: Open Your Mind to See Sex All Around You

  1. Give yourself permission to masturbate regularly. However you define regularly is totally up to you, but don’t overlook it for very long. Allowing your mind to wander to erotic places is how you keep that world alive inside you. Our erotic imagination is a creative space to dream in whatever wild and virtuous ways we so desire, and no one, not a single person, is entitled to know what you fantasize about. This is a space that is purely yours, it is part of your sexual sovereignty. It’s also very common to wonder if your fantasies are “normal” and what they mean. You might even recognize that you would never dream of actually doing them in real life. Well, that’s the beauty of a fantasy, isn’t it, unless of course, yours involves something illegal. There are several highly respected professionals who have written about sexual fantasies in particular that might give you more insight into your particular fantasies (Michael Bader’s ‘Arousal: The Secret Logic of Fantasies’ or Esther Perel’s ‘Mating in Captivity’) are good books to start with), but remember that each person, situation, and context is layered with complexities so don’t assume the meaning of yours will necessarily be straightforward. The human psyche is intricate and often our erotic desires do not play by the same rules of politics and egalitarianism.
  2. Have you ever given him head just for your own pleasure? It’s pretty fucking hot. I recently read a book called, ‘Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm’ by Nicole Daedone. She talks about how incredibly sensual it is when a woman gives her man a blow job just for her own selfish pleasure. This was a concept I had never spent much time thinking about because with as much patriarchy that still exists in our notions about sex, many women usually frame going down on the guy as being about him, not about them, with obligatory undertones.  Many women tend to think of it as giving a service, rather than taking for their own selfish pleasure. Nicole had presented a very powerful paradigm shift. She instructs the women to first make it known that her intention is purely because she wants to enjoy feeling, licking, and sucking for the sake of her own enjoyment. Ladies, you could probably get him hard just by telling him you that’s what you want to do to him. Nicole says the key is going slow and taking the scenic route, you want to really stop and enjoy the shape, texture, flavor, look, and feel of it in your mouth. She encourages you to take notice of what you just did that made him grow, moan, or quiver. He’s your toy to play with. The fun of it is you’ve got him by the balls, literally.
  3. When you’re in the shower, are you thinking about sex? Do you watch the water droplets fall on your naked skin, drip down your breasts and glide down your legs? There is something so exquisitely beautiful about water falling on a naked body. See yourself through your lover’s eyes, and you will feel cherished. If you were going on a first date, how would you groom yourself in the shower? How do you show your body that you care about her? You get to decide what to shave and how much, but I will argue that a silky smooth freshly shaved body part always feels very sensual to the touch. I’d even take it a step farther and suggest caressing that freshly shaved body part in a self-appreciative, seductive way as you put your lotion on to really tap into why women’s silky skin is so pleasurable to our lovers. If that loving caress from your own hand turns into self-pleasure, then give your body what it wants. Indulge your body – she will feel sexy and desirable.
  4. When was the last time you had a really meaningful conversation with your man? I’m not going to repeat the same cliche bit about the importance of fostering more intimacy with your man, because for many committed couples having more intimacy actually undermines their sexual desire for their current partner (look up the “intimacy-desire paradox” and many of you will probably have a light bulb moment!). Instead, what I like most about meaningful conversations with my partner is peering into his mind to see what interesting perspectives and insights he’s had on life. Sometimes I’m pleasantly surprised to remember that I don’t know everything about him, that he is still mysterious and unknown. These types of conversations help us to see that we can always uncover new ground within our partner, and sometimes it’s not what we expected. The truth is we will never really know our partner. When we make an intentional effort to set aside time specifically designated for peering inside their mind and heart, we are reminded that they are their own unique person with thoughts and feelings different from ours. The longer we are with someone, the more we think we know them. But in fact, a wise coach recently told me, that you only know the version of your partner that they are being for you. In other words, you really have no idea what the rest of that iceberg contains. This is a fact, verified by the simple truth that as human beings we evolve and change all the time, every minute of every day. For this reason, don’t assume that just because your partner told you their opinions about something a year ago, that they still feel the same way, especially when it concerns their wants, needs, and expectations involving your relationship. For some people, that might trigger panic and fear, but look at the other side of the coin, it means that your partner and your relationship hold the promise of possibility and discovery – and isn’t that one of the key ingredients that makes a new relationship so appealing, exciting, and daydream-worthy?

Part 2: Put Yourself in His Shoes

  1. Ask yourself: if I were him, would I want to unwrap me? Think about if you were going out on a date with yourself, are you wearing something that invites playful seduction even down to your skimpies? In fact, have you ever let your man buy you clothes?  I recently tried this and it’s loads of fun. You experience the thrill of surrendering to whatever he wants to see on your body. You don’t get to judge, you don’t get to nitpick – your only job is to put it on and strut your shit out of the dressing room and wait for his eyes to cast the vote. It’s fun not only because you’re totally stepping out of your element and fashion routine, but you get to see him eyeball you from a whole new angle and learn what clothing pieces light him up. But don’t stop there, stay wrapped up in your package after you get home – men like the additional thrill of taking off what you had on for the night. You’re a package they’ve been waiting to unwrap the whole night; don’t deflate their balloon by undressing yourself. One last note on this point is to think about substituting some scrubbish pajamas with something a few degrees cuter for at least 3 or 4 nights of the week. And if you’re like me, you want to see him in some sexier clothes around the house, too, so either buy him some or tactfully drop some flirty hints about what he looks hot in.
  2. Depressurize the sexual initiation and invitation. A couple of things come to mind when I say this: one – his initiation to have sex when you’re not in the mood, and two – the invitation he extends that lacks sexual excitement. We all know there are plenty of times that he initiates when we’re not interested, but how you respond and with what tone makes all the difference. Instead of saying, “I don’t really feel like it,” you could flirt back and say, “not right now, but we definitely will later” so he knows you’re interested, but now isn’t a good time. The key is to imply there is going to be a later. Then there are the other times when he initiates, but his technique does nothing for you sexually – maybe there’s not enough anticipation or buildup to sufficiently intrigue you. If that’s the case, when he says something like, “do you want to have sex tonight?”, you could playfully say something like, “convince me,” which communicates you are open to it, but you need him to entice you. And don’t forget about the ways that you initiate. Many times you can initiate without an overt invitation. One great way you could initiate is to say, “want to give me a massage?” and he reads that as, “I get to put my hands on her naked body, which might lead to sex”. I recommend discussing with him what the easiest ways are to get you in the mood, and what are your favorite lead-ins to sex. When you ask for a massage, make it easy for him to read your signals by either blatantly getting naked or wearing a short night dress with no underwear on. It’s a win-win: he gets a great view while knowing where it will lead, and you get a rub-down with a happy ending.
  3. Are your texts to him still flirty? Has the flirty nature of your messaging eroded into boring, committed talk about the basic facts of life? There are some major differences in how we communicate now versus in the beginning of our relationship. You can probably admit that there’s more playfulness in our messages to our girlfriends than there is to our partner. Tell your man regularly that he is HOTTTTTT or SEXXXXY versus the less exciting version, ‘you look nice’. Put the playful flirting back in your messaging with some of these suggestions, and don’t be afraid to use the hell out of those emojis and punctuation marks:

Loving Committment      vs       Playfully Flirty

– How’s your day going?                 – Hey babe! How’s your day going? winkey face.PNG

– Be home soon                                – Hey love, be home soon. XOXO kissing

– Let’s go see a movie tonight         – Hey sexy, I want to take you to a movie tonight so I can have you all to myself lips romantic

– Have a good day                            – You looked sexy AF when you left for work this morning, GADAYUM firedevil

 

Part 3: Set the Scene

  1. Eliminate, or at the very least, minimize the activities you do in your bedroom that are not sleeping or fucking. The better you can train your brain to associate sexual pleasure with being in the bedroom, the less mental obstacles you’ll have when trying to get in the mood. Your intentions for the bedroom should be to experience pleasure or relaxation. If the bedroom is a place where you sleep with your kids, use as a work space, or watch a lot of TV in, then it’s time for a change because you have, in a sense, de-sexified your fuck space. Don’t shoot for perfection here because things will happen, and being too rigid about anything can feel restrictive. If you find your bedroom has become too uncomfortable for sex because of prior bad experiences, take it to the couch, the kitchen, the patio or wherever you find intriguing to get the good energy flowing again.
  2. Do you decorate your bedroom with pictures of your kids, or pictures of romantic vacations and past dates? Look, there is nothing wrong with having pictures of your family and your cuter-than-any-other children in your bedroom, buuuuuut it can change the atmosphere and mood of a room when you have reminders of your non-sexual domestic roles that make it harder for you to momentarily remember that you’re still a sexy seductress who knows how to conjure that freaky side every once in a while. You know what I’m talkin about. Our brains can’t help but put on the breaks when we remember our domestic lives and all the responsibilities that come with it; you might not even realize it’s affecting you. What you do want to remember is that trip, date, or moment where you and your bae were happy and connected romantically. Again, don’t strive for perfection on this one, but at least minimize it.
  3. Is the space clean or does it have clutter, dirty laundry, or children’s toys? A clear space is a sexy space. The bedroom is a space where you can breathe, relax, and let go. If you have to do a quick pickup, throw those dirty clothes or children’s toys in your closet until you have time to clean up tomorrow.
  4. Do you have adequate privacy? It can be important that you have a door that fully locks and windows that close so that you can really let go mentally, thereby letting go physically. Or, if you get a thrill out of the possibility of being exposed, then more power to you, just don’t do it if you have kids in the house!

 

Part 4: Amplify the Sensuality

  1. Do you want to taste delicious? Shower a couple hours before your date with him so that your body’s natural pheromones and juices have plenty of time to marinate before he consumes you. You’ll be the perfect amount of deliciousness when he tastes you – clean yet irresistible.
  2. Do you have orgasm-worthy music? Is it accessible? Is it commercial free? Really good, mood-appropriate music is key to making a lasting sexual memory that will stamp your brain. After having been with the same person for a while, you might consider this a superfluous addition to sex, but this is a great way to up your vibrations. Remember that we’re aiming for quality over quantity, so the details in creating your experience are key. Having a portable stereo that you can take with you to the bathtub or any area of the house is super important. Make sure you’re not listening to music that has annoying commercials that interrupt the heightened mood you just spent precious time creating. I personally love R&B and most things Adam Levine – have you heard his song ‘Lips on You’?? yummy….)
  3. Is your bedroom & bathroom decor sexy? Have you considered how sexually appealing your bedroom and bathroom are? The last thing you want to look at when you’re in the middle of getting licked in the shower or bathtub is an ugly eye sore. Decor that doesn’t add a sexual vibe to the ambiance should be replaced. TJ Maxx, Ross, or Home Goods are always winners for cheap, sexy pieces.
  4. What texture and color palette makes you feel like a sex kitten? Does black, red, hot pink, or just plain nude make you feel most playful? Find the perfect texture for your sheets: soft, silky, smooth – you decide what feels most sensual. Basically are they something you would want to touch with your naked body, or a color you associate with sex? You get to decide.
  1. Are you using an aroma in your sex play? Scent coupled with a heightened experience is incredibly powerful at imprinting a memory. You are literally making your mark on your lover – they will think of you and sex whenever they smell it. Scents enhance how luxurious and pleasurable the experience is as a whole. It’s all about the details, people!!

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Lastly, I want to hear how you have found sexiness in overlooked places and what has helped you to cultivate more sexiness in your daily lives. If any of these ideas helped or inspired you, let me know in the comments section. I’d love to hear from you!!

Stay tuned for the next episode of F*ck Like a Woman, featuring our sexy story of the week about an alpha male who found pleasure in surrendering to a dominatrix. You don’t want to miss it!