I’m a life coach with a passionate interest in sex and relationship issues who decided to use the information I had learned in repairing my own marriage to turn it into a love and sex podcast for women!

You, are freaking fantastic. 

You are. 

There is not a single living organism on this planet that has ever had the same unique combination of characteristics as you – both internally and externally, expressed in quite the same way as you and with the same life experiences as you, in the whole history of the entire universe. 

Now that’s powerful.

Have you ever just sat and pondered how magnificent this idea is? How often do you think about how infinite and expansive the universe really is? When we get out of our own little heads for just a fleeting moment, we can see just how unique that really makes us. 

My guess is that someone reading this right now really needed to hear this today. This is precisely the kind of perceptual lens through which we should all be viewing ourselves at any given time. And I don’t use the word “should” lightly, but in this case it’s quite fitting.

Let me tell you about one of the most important lessons I learned on love and self-perception from a mightily powerful TedTalk called, The Art of Being Yourself, given by a beloved life coach named Caroline McHugh. It was so powerful in fact, that I must have seen it at least 15 times now. The reason I’m telling you about this talk and the lesson I learned within it, is that it has served me well in this early stage of creating, negotiating, and navigating a foreign land of opening up my relationship – and I can see how without it, one could easily fall into a pit of self-doubt.

I’m going to explain 3 specific orientations of how we perceive ourselves and the world around us as described by McHugh in her TedTalk. And trust me, being able to identify these 3 complexes is a handy tool when you experience jealousy, insecurity, and discomfort in “the lifestyle” (and anywhere else for that matter). The first is INFERIORITY – a feeling of being smaller than others, which relies on the presence of another in order to find our identity in relation to them. The second is SUPERIORITY – a feeling of being grander than others, which also relies on the presence of another in order to find our own meaning. And finally, the third orientation McHugh coined is the one I want you to remember: INTERIORITY. It’s the only way to be that’s completely uncomparative. In this way of being, you are the only yardstick for comparison. You have value regardless of the presence of another. And it’s the one space where there’s absolutely no competition.

Now I’m not saying I have true inner confidence down pat (and I would be highly skeptical of any 34 year old who claims to), but I have internalized the very concept of universal uniqueness that I mentioned at the beginning of this blog. In fact, I can say with absolute certainty that there is no one else on the planet like me, and there never has been and there never will be. Furthermore, I can say with the utmost confidence that this is true about you, too. And because of that, it is much easier to redirect my thinking onto INTERIORITY when, for example, I feel as though I should be farther along in my journey than I currently am. Do I struggle with emotional regulation just like everyone else? Yes, but I can say that I have a pretty strong sense of what I have to offer. 

However, what I have to offer is not for everyone, and that’s a beautiful thing. I made peace with that some time ago. There are reasons why we are not meant to mate with every person we encounter. How thankful are we that those past partners didn’t work out?? 

What I want you to hear loud and clear is that we are NOT who we love, and we are not who loves us. And thank Caroline McHugh for illuminating this so eloquently in her TedTalk. Moreover, if we took this concept of love and put it on a much smaller scale, we aren’t even who we find attractive or who finds us attractive. We aren’t who we want to date, and we aren’t who wants to date us. We aren’t who breaks our hearts, and we aren’t who’s hearts we break. If I could go back in time to my younger self, starting as young as middle school, this is what I would tell her. Our value and worth in this life is completely unrelated to the people who reciprocate or don’t reciprocate our affection for them. What McHugh was saying in her talk is that it doesn’t even constitute a part of our intrinsic identity. Because remember, we are each that unique composition of experiences and traits that cannot be replicated. Our conscious selves don’t belong to anyone, nor does someone else belong to us. And did you notice, that NONE of this has to do with physical appearance? Ya sure that’s part of your whole package, but it’s a very fleeting part. The much bigger, grander you that I’m talking about is the inner you – all the intangible qualities that are transitory yet somewhat stable.

I don’t know about you, but I gain an immense sense of freedom and relief from that. Those things come and go, they wax and wane. Both the good and the bad is fleeting. So the orientation that I choose to live by is interiority – where I remember the impermanence of the conditions in our lives, especially in our love lives. And in that space, I live with just me – uncomparatively.

So the next time that you start to feel like you’re drowning in an abyss of self-doubt, remember how lovely you are. Remember that the conscious you who is feeling the feelings of sadness, heartbreak, jealousy or insecurity is not actually tied to that person you’re thinking of. All of those things are impermanent. All of those things are outside of yourself. You are not who you love, and you aren’t who loves you.

While you were busy sleeping with your eyes open, the one finite resource that every person on this planet shares an equal amount of in a given day, just slipped through your fingertips.

I’m here to tell you, you’ve waited long enough. The time has come to take some inspired action to shift that ingrained pattern of monotony that has overtaken your life. And experience has taught me that a close companion of that humdrum script is a series of unhelpful thoughts and beliefs that you habitually have on repeat about your life, yourself, and your relationships. But let me stop you right there and tell you one thing: you’re worth the effort it takes to tell those little mental gremlins to shut the hell up.

Why? Because life is short, and it won’t wait for you. If that stings, it should. Let this be a wake up call for you, my friend, because this life isn’t a dress rehearsal. We are here on this planet for a fraction of a fraction in time, and that fleeting blip in the sun is a gift to us, and a gift to others. My mother recently told me during one of those the-earth-seems-to-stop moments as she looked me right in the eyes, “Devon, you never really know when your ‘last’ of something is really going to be your LAST”.

It hit me like a ton of bricks because in an instant, I flashed back to all the intentions I’ve had along my journey to live out these iconic moments with family, friends, and my baby, that never actually came to fruition. For some, it’s not too late, but for others, that moment in time will never come again. The opportunity I missed the most was when my baby was first born years ago. I envisioned idyllic moments of family coming over to bask in baby bliss, cementing our family connection month after month while watching that little baby grow and stumble into toddlerhood, all while capturing it on film to treasure and store away for baby’s big wedding day two decades later. Well…. that never happened, not even the first week we brought baby home. Yes, we had a few family moments during major holidays where we frantically played catch up from the gaping holes of time that had passed since we last got together. We took a few blurry pictures, but it was NOTHING compared to what I believe it should have been to celebrate the miraculous life that was brought into this world after 5 full days and nights of labor. The me today knows that I should have campaigned more for those precious moments, despite the headache of scheduling conflicts with almost a dozen people in 5 different households. I would have created more opportunities for casual, t-shirt and sweatpants, impromptu hangouts, and I would have made my postpartum sadness and longing to be close to them a louder and more frequent cry for connection than I did. But that was then, and this is now. I’ve learned too well what isolation feels like. It feels hollow and empty. And it reproduces itself at an alarmingly rapid rate in the echo chamber of our idle minds.

Research by psychologists shows that as we age and pass through the first quarter of our life, time seems to speed up and before we know it, a decade has gone by. They call it “forward telescoping”, which is actually just a shift in our perspective of how time is passing. We know it’s not a literal increase in speed. The reason is believed to be due to the level of complexity of information we take in as children and young adults, and the constant variety of new situations and contexts compared to our overly scripted and predictable workweeks as adults. These things require a high degree of attention and focus, problem solving, and situational adapting – demanding much from our mental and physical resources.

However, as we age, we become desensitized to the new information that we encounter in the world as we familiarize ourselves with our daily schedule, the same route to work, the same people at the office, the same eateries for lunch, the kids’ school schedule, and especially with our partner. Congratulations, you’ve officially gone on autopilot.

While autopilot sure conserves a lot of energy, it also discourages us from diving into a robust well of energy, motivation, passion, purpose, and joy that is just sitting right there inside of us going unused. It is pure potential on tap.  

My stance on personal growth is that it’s infinite and vital to healthy living. In fact, I’m highly driven to understand myself and to learn better ways of interacting with others and the world around me. I get a rush, actually a high, off of reading good books and watching enlightening documentaries. But I also believe that with the contemporary global shift of prioritizing the ‘development of self’ in the cult-like world of personal growth, that we can easily become overwhelmed with the feeling of inadequacy and the lurking suspicion that we could, and should, always be doing more.

My point in saying all of this is that you don’t need life-changing, monumental therapy or coaching over months and months to find relief, joy, inspiration, or motivation right now. You might very well need that too, depending on what type of elephant you’re trying to eat, but I have seen with my own eyes that there are millions of moments throughout each day that offer little nuggets of those coveted emotions that are often underestimated in our progress forward. Because what we usually underestimate about them, is that those little moments can and do become habitual if we repeat them often enough. And do you know what else? Beliefs are just thoughts that we repeated enough times that we eventually started to believe them.

Start where you are. Don’t feel like you need to start where someone else is, or where you wish you were. And remember that all those things you’d like to do in order to “work” on yourself, might never come to fruition, for a variety of different reasons. In fact, I’d even dare to say that they might not even need to come to fruition in order for you to accomplish your envisioned outcome. Sometimes life offers us shortcuts, detours, and alternative outcomes that are just as good if not better, and other times all we really needed was a shift in perspective about ourselves, our lives, and our relationships.  

Start where you are. There is no shame in not being somewhere else. Because the race is really just with yourself, and in reality, there is no race at all.

 

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Schedule a Coaching Session with me HERE.

-Relationship Issues
-Marital Conflict
-Sexual Desire
-Dating Guidance
-Breakup Guidance
-Online Dating Profile Consultation
-Personal Image Consultation
-Self-esteem and Confidence Issues

Much Love,

Devon

Life Coach | Podcaster
www.devonevansofficial.com
devonevansofficial@gmail.com
Phone (262) 425-0047

 

“You get in life what you have the courage to ask for.” – Oprah Winfrey

Community-Academic Consortium for Research on Alternative Sexualities (CARAS)

CARAS is a nonprofit organization that supports research addressing understudied sexual communities, with a current focus on BDSM/leather/kink/fetish sexualities and consensual non-monogamous relationships such as polyamory.

National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF)

The NCSF is committed to creating a political, legal and social environment in the US that advances equal rights for consenting adults who engage in alternative sexual and relationship expressions.

 

Emily Nagoski (www.emilynagoski.com) – Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life

Esther Perel (www.estherperel.com) – Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence and The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity

Michael Bader (www.michaelbader.com)- Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies

Nicole Daedone (www.onetaste.us)- Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm

Alexandra Solomon (www.dralexandrasolomon.com)- Loving Bravely: Twenty Lessons of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want

Christopher Ryan & Cacilda Jetha (www.chrisryanphd.com)- Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What it Means for Modern Relationships

Ian Kerner (www.iankerner.com)- She Comes First: The Grammer of Oral Sex

Amy Jo Goddard (www.amyjogoddard.com)- Woman on Fire: 9 Elements to Wake Up Your Erotic Energy, Personal Power, and Sexual Intelligence