I’m a life coach with a passionate interest in sex and relationship issues who decided to use the information I had learned in repairing my own marriage to turn it into a love and sex podcast for women!

While you were busy sleeping with your eyes open, the one finite resource that every person on this planet shares an equal amount of in a given day, just slipped through your fingertips.

I’m here to tell you, you’ve waited long enough. The time has come to take some inspired action to shift that ingrained pattern of monotony that has overtaken your life. And experience has taught me that a close companion of that humdrum script is a series of unhelpful thoughts and beliefs that you habitually have on repeat about your life, yourself, and your relationships. But let me stop you right there and tell you one thing: you’re worth the effort it takes to tell those little mental gremlins to shut the hell up.

Why? Because life is short, and it won’t wait for you. If that stings, it should. Let this be a wake up call for you, my friend, because this life isn’t a dress rehearsal. We are here on this planet for a fraction of a fraction in time, and that fleeting blip in the sun is a gift to us, and a gift to others. My mother recently told me during one of those the-earth-seems-to-stop moments as she looked me right in the eyes, “Devon, you never really know when your ‘last’ of something is really going to be your LAST”.

It hit me like a ton of bricks because in an instant, I flashed back to all the intentions I’ve had along my journey to live out these iconic moments with family, friends, and my baby, that never actually came to fruition. For some, it’s not too late, but for others, that moment in time will never come again. The opportunity I missed the most was when my baby was first born years ago. I envisioned idyllic moments of family coming over to bask in baby bliss, cementing our family connection month after month while watching that little baby grow and stumble into toddlerhood, all while capturing it on film to treasure and store away for baby’s big wedding day two decades later. Well…. that never happened, not even the first week we brought baby home. Yes, we had a few family moments during major holidays where we frantically played catch up from the gaping holes of time that had passed since we last got together. We took a few blurry pictures, but it was NOTHING compared to what I believe it should have been to celebrate the miraculous life that was brought into this world after 5 full days and nights of labor. The me today knows that I should have campaigned more for those precious moments, despite the headache of scheduling conflicts with almost a dozen people in 5 different households. I would have created more opportunities for casual, t-shirt and sweatpants, impromptu hangouts, and I would have made my postpartum sadness and longing to be close to them a louder and more frequent cry for connection than I did. But that was then, and this is now. I’ve learned too well what isolation feels like. It feels hollow and empty. And it reproduces itself at an alarmingly rapid rate in the echo chamber of our idle minds.

Research by psychologists shows that as we age and pass through the first quarter of our life, time seems to speed up and before we know it, a decade has gone by. They call it “forward telescoping”, which is actually just a shift in our perspective of how time is passing. We know it’s not a literal increase in speed. The reason is believed to be due to the level of complexity of information we take in as children and young adults, and the constant variety of new situations and contexts compared to our overly scripted and predictable workweeks as adults. These things require a high degree of attention and focus, problem solving, and situational adapting – demanding much from our mental and physical resources.

However, as we age, we become desensitized to the new information that we encounter in the world as we familiarize ourselves with our daily schedule, the same route to work, the same people at the office, the same eateries for lunch, the kids’ school schedule, and especially with our partner. Congratulations, you’ve officially gone on autopilot.

While autopilot sure conserves a lot of energy, it also discourages us from diving into a robust well of energy, motivation, passion, purpose, and joy that is just sitting right there inside of us going unused. It is pure potential on tap.  

My stance on personal growth is that it’s infinite and vital to healthy living. In fact, I’m highly driven to understand myself and to learn better ways of interacting with others and the world around me. I get a rush, actually a high, off of reading good books and watching enlightening documentaries. But I also believe that with the contemporary global shift of prioritizing the ‘development of self’ in the cult-like world of personal growth, that we can easily become overwhelmed with the feeling of inadequacy and the lurking suspicion that we could, and should, always be doing more.

My point in saying all of this is that you don’t need life-changing, monumental therapy or coaching over months and months to find relief, joy, inspiration, or motivation right now. You might very well need that too, depending on what type of elephant you’re trying to eat, but I have seen with my own eyes that there are millions of moments throughout each day that offer little nuggets of those coveted emotions that are often underestimated in our progress forward. Because what we usually underestimate about them, is that those little moments can and do become habitual if we repeat them often enough. And do you know what else? Beliefs are just thoughts that we repeated enough times that we eventually started to believe them.

Start where you are. Don’t feel like you need to start where someone else is, or where you wish you were. And remember that all those things you’d like to do in order to “work” on yourself, might never come to fruition, for a variety of different reasons. In fact, I’d even dare to say that they might not even need to come to fruition in order for you to accomplish your envisioned outcome. Sometimes life offers us shortcuts, detours, and alternative outcomes that are just as good if not better, and other times all we really needed was a shift in perspective about ourselves, our lives, and our relationships.  

Start where you are. There is no shame in not being somewhere else. Because the race is really just with yourself, and in reality, there is no race at all.

 

————————————————————–

Schedule a Coaching Session with me HERE.

-Relationship Issues
-Marital Conflict
-Sexual Desire
-Dating Guidance
-Breakup Guidance
-Online Dating Profile Consultation
-Personal Image Consultation
-Self-esteem and Confidence Issues

Much Love,

Devon

Life Coach | Podcaster
www.devonevansofficial.com
devonevansofficial@gmail.com
Phone (262) 425-0047

 

“You get in life what you have the courage to ask for.” – Oprah Winfrey

Welcome to episode 31 of F*ck Like a Woman.

This is part 2 of our conversation on masculinity where we get real about the challenges men face with strict gender conformity and how it ties in with relationships. Today we’re focusing on sex – the myths, the misconceptions, and the reflections. We unpack some of the biases and challenges that men face in the bedroom.

And to keep you in the loop, during the month of June, I’ll be revamping the podcast to expand the reach of people who want to join in these conversations with us. I’ll be coming back with a brand new title and new episodes in July so enjoy this last release and always feel free to reach out to me at orgasmicgenius@gmail.com.   

Here are a few of the ideas we discuss:

  • Boys’ first experiences with porn and sexual excitement – who is teaching boys about sexual education?
  • Exploring Erectile Dysfunction as a manifestation of a vulnerable internal state of mind: anxiety, self-esteem, body-image, depression, performance anxiety, etc.
  • What are some ways that men would prefer to be treated in relationships?
  • Keeping your partner current on what you want from the relationship sexually and emotionally
  • The importance of sexual communication within relationships and during the heat of the moment
  • The myth that men are “easy” and constantly “ready to go” sexually
  • The patriarchal policing of men by using the term “gay” for a man who doesn’t follow the hetero-normative male code
  • Sexual fluidity is not the same thing as sexual orientation, and the stereotypes of men who are more sexual fluid with the same sex

SHOW SOME LOVE FOR THE PODCAST BY LEAVING A REVIEW ON iTUNES & SHARING WITH A FRIEND!

CLICK TO LISTEN ON APPLE PODCASTS

 

Welcome to episode 30 of F*ck Like a Woman.

Today, I’m sitting down with a room full of diverse men to talk about the challenges of masculinity. The reason I wanted to facilitate this discussion is to bring to light some of the points and perspectives on what it means to be a man in modern day, told by men. Many of my male followers have expressed sentiments that they don’t fit perfectly within the main, traditional box of masculinity. They’ve confided in me that they don’t feel as though they quite measure up in their sex lives, their love lives, and in many other ways. By listening to this group of men speak tonight about their experiences, hopefully my listeners will feel more acceptable in their own skin, and maybe even inspire them to continue these discussions with their own friends, family, and lovers.

Everyone, regardless of how they present or identify, should have a vested interest in loosening the tight grip of patriarchal masculinity because it not only hurts women and LGBTQ people, but it hurts men, too.

Here are a few of the ideas we discuss:

  • The overwhelming statistics of violence by men, not just to others, but to themselves (suicide), and the gaping void of close friends they can turn to in crisis within individualistic societies
  • The myth of the “real man”… who is this mythical man?!
  • The lack of vulnerability men are “allowed” to show, especially when it affects their physical and emotional well-being
  • When the tough guise of manliness serves a purpose as an adaptive mechanism (combat zones, police force, etc) versus when it’s maladaptive (in family life, relationships, with our children, etc)
  • The lack of healthy leadership for boys as they transition into adulthood, that directly impacts their ability to be good, present fathers and learn how to enjoy their sexuality in a healthy way
  • The socialization of men into being autonomous and not asking for help, even when situations are dire

—————————————————————-

Stay tuned for next week’s continuation of masculinity, where we talk specifically about sex and masculinity. We unpack some of the biases and challenges that men face in the bedroom. See ya next week!

 

 

CLICK TO LISTEN ON APPLE PODCASTS

 

Welcome to episode 29 of F*ck Like a Woman. Today, I’m talking about transgression – what’s behind it, why do we do it, and how do we make sense of it within committed relationships. Just how honest are you willing to get? Not just with your partner, but with yourself, too.

These are a few topics that my partner, Aaron, and I cover today:

  • How are we defining monogamy?
  • How do you affair-proof your relationship?
  • Are you staying fresh and being real with yourself and your partner(s)?
  • Where does attraction for others & crushes fit into a relationship?
  • Where do you fall on the spectrum of monogamy?

Oh, and a disclaimer before you hear this episode: the vibe we’re putting off in this episode did not happen overnight. It took years for us to be this open, honest, and playful with each other, and we wouldn’t have it any other way. Enjoy!

CLICK TO LISTEN ON APPLE PODCASTS

 

Welcome to Episode 28 of F*ck Like a Woman. Today, I talk with trusted hot sex advisor to millions, the famous Susan Bratton, as she shares all the ways women can orgasm, how to initiate dirty talk, her favorite sex toys, and much more.

Susan Bratton is a champion and advocate for all who desire passionate relationships. Considered the “Dear Abby of Sex,” Susan’s fresh approach and original ideas have helped millions of people of all ages and across the gender spectrum transform sex into passion.

Married to her husband Tim since 1993, Susan is an author, award-winning speaker, and serial entrepreneur who teaches passionate lovemaking techniques to her fans around the world. Susan has been featured in The New York Times and on CNBC and the TODAY show as well as appearing on ABC, CBS, The CW, Fox, and on NBC as the “Marriage Magician.”

Susan is Chair Emeritus of the ad:tech conference; she was both CMO and a member of the Board of Directors for an Anthony Robbins tech start-up as well as serving on numerous boards throughout her career. In 2009, Susan was honored as a “Silicon Valley Woman of Influence” by The Business Journal and as a “Top 10 Internet Pioneer” by AdAge Magazine. In 2010, was bestowed the Lifetime Industry Achievement award by dmg World Media.

Susan’s straight-talking, fearless approach is rooted in her personal experience of watching her sex life wither while she and her husband pursued dynamic careers. When their relationship hit a crisis point, the couple made a fierce commitment to do whatever it took to keep their family together and revive the passion in their marriage. Today, she and her husband have the kind of dream relationship most people long-since stopped believing is even possible—until they discover Susan’s teachings.

Susan is CEO and co-founder (with her husband) of Personal Life Media. Through her company, Susan has authored 20 books including Relationship Magic, The Passion Patch and 30 Romance Tricks That Work Like Magic, as well as her International #1 Amazon best-seller, Sexual Soulmates: The 6 Essentials for Connected Sex.

She has also created and published numerous online courses including her wildly popular Revive Her Drive and Steamy Sex Ed® DVD Collection, as well as programs such as: Seduction Trilogy, Expand Her Orgasm Tonight, The Multi-Orgasmic Lover for Men, Female Liquid Orgasm, and Keep Her Coming.

Millions of couples and singles have been touched by her TV appearances, and Better Lover YouTube channel. Through her Insider’s Club newsletter at Personal Life Media.com, Susan gives away, free of charge, countless MP3 audios, videos, articles, and ebooks.

Susan believes that shame-free, frequent sexual pleasure is every man and woman’s birthright:  “After 25 years of marriage, I know from experience that deep, passionate intimacy with my partner is priceless: a priority that tops my list of must-haves alongside good health and the love of family and friends. I have made it my mission to aid anyone who wants the kind of lovemaking that improves with age.”

She and her husband split their time between their home on Mt. Tamalpais in Mill Valley, California and their cozy beach shack in Encinitas, with occasional trips to far-off lands to visit their globe-trotting daughter.

—————————–

Susan S. Bratton
CEO, Personal Life Media, Inc.
Mobile +1 (650) 248-3483
“Trusted Hot Sex Advisor To Millions 💋”
susan@personallifemedia.com
Skype: Personal Life Media
Publicity Requests: Aldie Pilena aldie@personallifemedia.com Skype: Aldie321
Personal Life Media
Instagram@SusanBratton
My YouTube ‘Better Lover’ Channel
I ♥️ My Wife  
Personal Life Media on Facebook  
Twitter@SusanBratton
Medium@SusanBratton
YourTango Expert

Susan white jacket pic.PNG

CLICK TO LISTEN ON APPLE PODCASTS

 

What is the definition of transgression?

1to violate a command or law
2to go beyond a boundary or limit

 

Welcome to Episode 27 of F*ck Like a Woman. This episode is an erotic story about one woman who found herself enticed by the forbidden: her roommate’s boyfriend. This moral dilemma left her puzzled and conflicted as to why this transgression was so alluring.

As a coach who is greatly inspired by Esther Perel, I’ve always known that the world is not black and white, strictly good or bad. There’s an infinite amount of grey that complicates our human experience, and when we immediately condemn and demonize before we have even sought to understand why, we miss the lessons within the journey, and we disillusion ourselves into believing that mere morality will inoculate us from history repeating itself.

To quote Esther Perel in ‘The State of Affairs’, “The intricacies of love and desires don’t yield to simple categorizations of good and bad, victim and culprit. And to be clear, not condemning doesn’t mean condoning. And there’s a world of difference between understanding and justifying. But when we reduce the conversation to simply passing judgement, we are left with no conversation at all.”

_________________________________________________________

The next weekend, Jessica introduced Samantha to her boyfriend John. John was cute in a nerdy funny way and had nice eyes, full lips, and jet black hair. He was dressed in a black hoodie with torn jeans and Chuck Taylors. When they first met, John couldn’t look away from Samantha. She felt a little shy because she wondered if Jessica could pick up on the vibe John was sending her way. Every time they made eye contact, Samantha would catch John staring deeply at her, before she had to look away. John wasn’t intentionally staring at her or trying to make Sam uncomfortable, but it seemed he couldn’t help himself. He thought she was beautiful, but didn’t have enough self-awareness to hide it.

Every day when Samantha came home from work, Jessica and John were already home in the living room drinking and watching TV. One night, Samantha came home with some food to cook dinner for all of them. She started laying everything out on the counter to wash and prep the food. As she was washing vegetables at the sink, Jessica went upstairs to change out of her work clothes and John walked over to the counter in front of Sam and sat down. He started making conversation and joking around with her, playfully flirting. Sam laughed and kept washing the food. When she looked up from the sink, she noticed that John was staring right at her chest as she scrubbed the potatoes. She noticed it was because her shirt dipped down, showing the top of her bra, and her chest jiggled when she scrubbed. Realizing this, she stopped washing and walked away to prep the other food. When she turned around to get her knife, she caught John staring at her ass. He quickly looked away when he realized she saw him, and embarrassingly changed the subject. Jessica came back downstairs and they all had dinner together, but John avoided long eye contact with Samantha the rest of the night.

The next weekend, Samantha and Jessica made plans to go out with some friends to a bar downtown, and John tagged along. After Samantha got dressed and ready, she walked downstairs wearing tight black leather pants and thigh high boots. When John looked up from his drink and saw her sexy legs gracefully gliding down the stairs, he got excited. His eyes took her all in, working his way up from her sexy heels, to her thick thighs and curvy hips, up toward her small waist and round breasts, draped with a low-cut sweater. He watched her chest bounce up and down as she gracefully landed on each step. Samantha could tell that John was watching her, but she avoided looking at him because it was easier to pretend it wasn’t happening, and she didn’t want to bring more attention to it with Jessica right there. Excitedly, they all piled into a cab and met their friends down at the bar.

An hour into the night, Samantha was having a great time with all her friends, relishing the fact that she had started a new life for herself in this big city. She was feeling so carefree dancing to the music. Jessica grabbed her hand and pulled her onto the dance floor, then waved at John to follow. He followed them onto the dance floor where they all started dancing freely with each other, playfully sandwiching John between the two of them. The next song that came on was loud and sultry so they started grinding harder on each other, with Samantha in front, John behind her, and Jessica in the back. By that point in the night, they were all getting tipsy and naturally their boundaries started getting a little fuzzy. What Jessica might have otherwise considered too close for dancing with her roommate, she was now encouraging John to do with Samantha in the name of having a good time. Jessica seemed to find their dancing entertaining and amusing. In light of Jessica’s relaxed attitude, John decided put his hand on Sam’s waist as they danced. And, seeing that she didn’t push his hand away, he moved it down onto her hips, slowly edging his hand around toward the front of her hips, gently pulling her body in toward his pelvis. Samantha felt a rush of anticipation surge throughout her body. John and Sam grinded in sync with each other for another song, and by this point she could feel his pelvis getting firmer and warmer up against her ass. But to Samantha’s surprise, she didn’t want to push him away, she was getting turned on by how firmly he was pulling her hips toward his waist. She was even turned on that he was getting hard rubbing up against her. She felt so conflicted by the loyalty she felt for her new friend and roommate, yet she was getting so wet feeling his hand in such close proximity to her pussy, knowing at any second he could slip his hand between her legs and no one would know because the bar was so crowded. The thought was driving her crazy, and the alcohol was so strong. Jessica tapped them on the shoulder to go get another drink from the bar. Samantha was partly relieved because she wasn’t sure how much steamier things were going to get with John. When Sam slipped away to go to the bathroom, she was surprised to find her thong was soaked. She was a little embarrassed because John wasn’t even her type, but the way he desired her was incredibly arousing.

A couple hours later, their whole group moved back onto the dance floor, and John found his way behind Samantha again. Testing the waters, he put his hand on the small of her back, and Sam kept dancing, tacitly encouraging him without being too forward. As he moved closer behind her, he lightly grazed her ass all the way down with his hand. Her bottle tingled at his fingers. Feeling more daring this time, John slipped his hand under her sweater around her waist and softly touched her skin, tracing the tips of his fingers across her stomach, caressing her body. Then moving his hand upward underneath her sweater, he slowly traveled all the way up to her breast, touching and squeezing it lightly, stopping to feel and stroke her hardening nipple. Samantha’s knees started to weaken, feeling like her body could collapse into his. She was completely out of her element doing this in public and especially with her roommate’s boyfriend. But she was tipsy and the bar was so packed that their friends couldn’t see what John was doing to her. And yet this made it all the more exciting, knowing they could get caught at any moment, but they were too enthralled in the passion of the moment.

A couple songs later, it was last call and the lights started coming on so they all got back in a cab and rode home. On the way home, John and Samantha tried their best not to give anything away, acting as normal as possible. When they got home, Jessica passed out on the couch downstairs. Still in a foggy haze, John had made his way over to the couch next to Samantha, right next to where Jessica was sleeping. One thing led to another and they started kissing. He put his hand on her leg, rubbing up her thigh, loving how her body felt in her leather pants. Samantha was already so turned on that she could barely wait before she unbuttoned her pants, and shoved his hand on her pussy. When he felt how wet her thong was, his dick got so hard. He rubbed her pussy, wanting to be inside her. She climbed on top of him and started grinding against his dick through his pants. He gripped her hips and shoved her toward him with each thrust. Wanting to move someplace quieter, they climbed the upstairs, step by step barely making it up each one as he followed closely behind her, squeezing, kissing, and biting her ass  through her tight pants. They made it to her bed where he slid off her boots and tight pants. He started kissing her pussy and getting her juices all over his face. She was so wet and messy from all the build-up and anticipation of what as about to happen. He unzipped his pants and stroked himself as he smelled and licked her pussy. After a few minutes, he could tell she was getting close so he slid his finger in her pussy to get it wet, and slipped it into her ass as he licked harder on her clit. She went wild. He put a rubber on and thrust himself inside her. Her pussy was so tight that he erupted with a loud moan when he felt himself inside her. He flipped her over so she could finish on top of him. Gripping her ass with one hand and smacking her ass with the other, she rode him harder, going wild. As she bent down to ride him with her breasts pushed up against his chest, he teasingly pulled her hair and told her, “don’t stop”. She lost it and screamed in ecstasy. Feeling her pussy tightening and pulsating around his dick made him lose it.

Samantha found herself unbelievably turned on by the fact that they could get caught at any moment. At the same time, she felt like a horrible person to her new roommate, but it felt like she couldn’t stop. The more turned on John got, the more turned on she got. They both knew it was wrong and yet that’s exactly what made her want it more. As time passed, Samantha found herself going back to this night as a frequent fantasy and couldn’t figure out why it was so enticing to her. She likes to think she would never do something like that again if the opportunity presented itself, but she still wonders what it was about that fantasy that remains so sexually appealing out of all the other experiences she’s had since.

I wondered to myself if it had something to do with conforming to others’ expectations of her, maybe from striving to be a good girl who didn’t act outside what was expected from her. It seems to be the kind of indiscretion that society expects from men at some point in their life, excusing it as being biologically wrapped up in their DNA, but the story is told differently for women. Maybe she was rebelling against what others expected from her as someone who had always been a people pleaser. I also wondered if there was something intrinsically alluring about doing something so bad. Like a child disobeying her parent, Samantha had knowingly subverted the relationship authority of Jessica and John, right under her nose. John wasn’t even someone Samantha would normally ever be attracted to, but she was erotically hypnotized by the enticement of the forbidden. Samantha was crossing a line, a line that is often considered one of the worst a person could cross, and was doing it almost outright, in a bold and daring demonstration of her freedom and desires. It was as though she was establishing her own authority and autonomy in doing so. My hope for Samantha is that she finds other healthy ways to express herself in the bedroom that can elicit a similar feeling of sexual excitement without the risk and endangerment to another person’s relationship.

_________________________________________________________

That’s it for today everyone, stay tuned for next week’s episode where I talk with hot sex advisor to millions, the famous Susan Bratton, as she talks about all the ways women can orgasm, how to initiate dirty talk, her favorite sex toys, and much more. Subscribe to the show so you don’t miss out.

 

CLICK TO LISTEN ON APPLE PODCASTS

If you’ve ever struggled with guilt or shame around your sexuality that has roots in your religion, listen to this couple share their embarrassing and raw struggles with managing sexual desire while conflicting with the shaming messages from their faith. Creators of the “Show Up Naked” podcast, Eric & Stephanie Molletta, confess to all the humiliating details surrounding the shame & guilt of their religious past.

And this isn’t a conversation about a specific religion or denouncing God or religion in general, but rather a discussion to identify some of the challenges that can become major inhibitors not just to a couple’s sex life, but to the stability and integrity of the relationship itself when left unexamined.  

On the Show Up Naked Podcast, Eric and Stephanie aim to unapologetically tackle the tough and raw conversations about sex, relationships, and marriage that are usually hidden from the public eye that you rarely see discussed with such honesty, especially on social media. Their inspiration for the show started out of a desire to share their courageous story with infidelity, what it taught them about living intimately and authentically, and how embracing your naked beauty is a path to emotional vulnerability and spiritual growth.

 

Check out Eric and Stephanie’s podcast at www.showupnaked.com or follow them on Instagram at https://www.instagram.com/showupnaked/.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

CLICK TO LISTEN ON APPLE PODCASTS

It’s Sexual Assault Awareness Month! (April)

Welcome to episode 25 of F*ck Like a Woman. Today, I’m discussing toxic masculinity, redefining gender roles, and how some of our sexual stereotypes about men directly impact their sex lives. This episode isn’t meant to attack men or tell men they need to be more sensitive or that they have to discard their whole masculinity. And it certainly isn’t meant as a gender war to spark debates about who is the greater villain or who is the greater victim. For time’s sake we can only cover a fraction of the full potential of this conversation, but I hope it initiates some thoughtful conversation for you in safe spaces. My intention is to let men know they have choices, they have options, and one of the options available is that they can still keep the masculine attributes that feel comfortable for them, but we have to identify what defining parts of masculinity continue to be toxic to men, women, little boys, and little girls because those parts have got to go. The aggression, the violence, and the perpetual need to establish dominance and maintain control are among the most concerning elements of toxic masculinity. In fact, one of the 9 predictors of divorce that the Gottman Institute discovered is men’s inability to accept influence from their women. So if we think these conversations don’t directly affect our daily lives, think again.

  • With that said, let me ask you: Don’t you want full access to all of the capabilities you have as a human being? We let ourselves be controlled by forces outside ourselves all the time – for the good and for the bad. But when it’s to the detriment of our ability to be a full human being, then you’re really cheating yourself and you’re being cheated by these systems out of your greatest potential. You only have 1 life to live, don’t you want it to be a damn good one?
  • When you get men alone, you hear sometimes completely different messages than when they’re in front of other guys or even women.
    • So for you men out there who have ever felt that you don’t quite fit into this rigid box of masculinity, you are not alone. Therapists have known this for a long time. If you could hear what I hear as a coach, you would know that lots of men don’t feel they quite measure up to this one main way of doing masculinity, but they feel the pressure of losing social status if they don’t keep up the outward display for women, but especially for other men.
  • It doesn’t mean you’re weak, less manly or less masculine to question these things
      • In fact, I would argue that not bucking the norm of this one rigid way of doing masculinity is actually a very passive stance
      • Toxic masculinity specifically is really a caricature of a very antiquated way of doing masculinity to the detriment of everyone’s mental and physical health – men, women, and children. Men’s violence, which is a primary component of toxic masculinity, is connected not just to women, but to other men and to themselves also – the same system that produces men who abuse women, creates men who abuse other men and boys, and who abuse themselves via male suicide
      • I believe that when a man bucks the masculine norms and rejects the notion of being seen as an animalistic, unemotional, aggressive, and a sexually aggressive caveman who is always ready to fuck, always ready to fight, always ready to prove he’s a real man, who can “grab women by the pussy” cause he’s gonna give her what she deserves, he’s actually demonstrating that he’s very subversive, very autonomous, and fully self-determined in making his own choices and he isn’t going to let someone else narrowly and rigidly define who he is and how he’s going to be portrayed.
    • And these ideas directly impact and effect our sex lives. In the last 30 minutes of my video, I talk about women’s role in perpetuating some of these male sexual stereotypes that make it difficult for men to express themselves in a more transparent way.
  • We all have a part to play in creating and facilitating these conversations, just like we do for any other form of discrimination – but let’s not kid ourselves, certain groups of people have more responsibility in leading the way, specifically the members of the dominant groups who are benefiting from these systemic privileges and maintaining the control
  • Usually the people who criticize social progress are those who have either not educated themselves on the issues that directly affect the lives of those who are suffering or they are the very people who benefit from things staying the same
    • A lot of times a sign that you can tell if someone is the benefactor of a certain type of privilege is if that the issue is actually invisible to them, it means that they’re not the one who is dealing with the negative consequences of it and therefore they can’t or don’t want to recognize its legitimacy
  • As Martin Luther King, Jr. was quoted saying in the struggle for civil rights, “In the end what will hurt the most is not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.”

I think underneath a lot of what’s so concerning about this for men is that they wonder if they’ll have any value after we neutralize their masculinity – it’s kind of like, what am I supposed to do now? If I’m not allowed to be the protector, the rock, the provider, or whatever, then what? Where do i find my identity, my value, my worth, the thing that only i can provide, the thing that you can’t get from your girlfriends, your job, or your children, your vibrator. This is what I know how to do and how to be, and now i’m being told I shouldn’t be or do this, so how do I maintain some sort of worth.

  • We live in a culture with mixed signals – rewarded sometimes yet other times told something else. Tell your sons, I expect more from you
    • What’s at stake?
      • It’s much easier to build healthy children than to repair broken men. – Fredrick Douglas

 

  • BOYS WILL BE BOYS IS ACTUALLY AN ANTI-MALE STATEMENT –
    • This argument is made to defend bad behavior
    • This idea that men can’t control themselves and dont have the mental capacity to control their actions and have full control over their faculties
    • That men aren’t moral actors and agents who can make ethical decisions – they’re just “BEASTS”
    • If that doesn’t sound like having low expectations for men, I don’t know what does
  • The “Wussification” of men –
      • The question should be: what does it mean to be strong?
        • Not centered around aggression – so antiquated
        • This is a caricature
        • Apologizing = admitting weakness
        • This is neanderthal thinking – this is absurdity on a high level

 

  • But also on this note, we need to recognize that the ability and risk for certain boys and men who live in particular sub-cultures within our larger american culture have significantly harder challenges challenging this dominant version of masculinity because their safety is literally at stake – so you could maybe even make the argument that saying, “you just have to speak up” is a privileged point of view to a large extent. Its not saying it’s impossible to pick and choose your battles, but it’s not so simple in some communities where the stakes are much higher. To survive.
    • So much of young boys and young men life has direct ties to their family life
  • Sexual abuse in military by men to men – overwhelming perpetrators and significant amount of victims – “Spotlight” movie about Catholic church sexual scandals
    • It was women feminists who brought these topics up and don’t get credit for shining light on sexual abuse to boys and young men – but you never hear this in the public conversation, instead they’re portrayed as anti-male and male bashing

 

  • These are LEADERSHIP issues for men, not sensitivity training
    • Not because you’re a nice guy helping out the women, but because you’re a leader and we need to raise the bar

 

True prevention is going to the root of the problem – and this means going to boys and men

        • And the men were talked to as you’d better do this or else you’re going to have trouble with the law (Men were focused on as perps or potential perps) – turns men off, they tune out – I’m a good guy, it’s a problem but its not my problem
        • We need to raise the bar a little higher for what it means to be a good guy in america for 2019 – you shouldn’t get high fives for not being a rapist
        • Challenge and interrupting the behavior
      • Members of the dominant group – white, heterosexual, male  for example – it’s your job to challenge them – if you don’t say something, what are you saying? Attitudes influence actions
        • “Those who remain neutral take the side of the oppressor”
        • Start with more concrete things and examples, instead of going for the grey areas like comedy – there’s a context, nuance, and subtly
        • Think critically and introspectively about their language and behavior – they need to make those determinations for themselves
          • You have to step out of your comfort zone to gain any kind of understanding

 

  • Everybody wants to find a place and a person who accepts them despite what their body looks like, despite their education, the salary they make, their sexual background, their sexual attraction market value (conventional attractiveness) – everyone wants this, this is something that transcends every difference we all have
    • As Kamala Harris says, “You don’t let people tell you who you are, you tell THEM who you are.”

 

Welcome to Episode 24 of F*ck Like a Woman. Today’s show is a story about an affair. Marco, a successful businessman, finds himself unexpectedly in the throws of an affair, and is left conflicted about the dilemmas facing his marriage. (Names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.)

_______________________________________________________________________

I met Marco on a business trip to the East coast while waiting for my flight. He was alone at the airport bar having a drink when I sat down next to him. Our heads turned toward each other and nodded as a courteous acknowledgement of the other. When I looked in his eyes I could see a kind and gentle soul looking back at me through soft, green eyes with an inviting smile. He was a strikingly handsome man in his mid 40s, well dressed and polished with a sophisticated yet modern air. We exchanged pleasantries and somehow quickly wandered into the kind of conversation you only share with a close friend. As distant travelers passing through the exact same moment in time and space, we were able to share a window into each other’s most private emotions and personal stories. I was touched to be entrusted with such an honor.

Marco was the owner of a highly successful real estate firm in Miami. He was married to his wife of nearly 20 years and they had three children together. But under the surface, his marriage had been in disrepair for over a year in the aftermath of an affair. They had recently gotten back together after a brief separation and were trying to make it work for their children’s sake. To Marco, the thought of separating their family and having his beautiful children grow up without a father living under the same roof together killed him. He couldn’t bear the thought of splitting up their family as the price he would pay to gain freedom, even if it would liberate him to live his truest self unshackled by his experience of marital constraints.

Their downfall began a couple of years ago at dinner, when his mother, after having had too much to drink at dinner, confessed secrets from their family’s past that had spent the last few decades seeking asylum. There was always some distant recollection from his childhood that he never could put his finger on and now he learned why. His father, the principal of a private school, had molested a 14 year old girl from the school he was overseeing, and not only that, but his father was extremely violent to his mother and him as a child.

As one can imagine, Marco was devastated. A flood of memories rushed back to him the more it all sank in. It made sense now why there were always emotional shadows lurking that continued to elude him. When he went to his wife, a Cuban woman raised in a very traditional household, to tell her about the disturbing news, she said, “What are you going to do, sit and cry about it? Be a man.” Marco was crushed. In that instant, he felt as though the person he should have been able to confide in with complete support had shut him down and boarded up her walls.

In the aftermath of processing this kind of emotional devastation, Marco sought the comfort and healing he was needing from an attractive woman he ran into frequently at networking events. Jennifer was fun, spontaneous, and receptive. Marco hadn’t started out with the intention of an affair – all he was looking for in the beginning was just a compassionate ear to listen to all that he was going through. He wanted someone to hear him, to see him, to validate the twists and turns he was experiencing, and more than anything to make him not feel like he was alone. In moments like these that bring us to our knees, we default to our most basic human needs to ground us back to what we know. We go through a grueling process of painfully negating the story we once thought was real, and then mentally reconstructing the entire past in light of a new unsettling truth.

Marco and Jennifer’s affair lasted several months and was possibly the most connected Marco had ever felt physically, and perhaps emotionally, to another person in his whole life. He was able to experience sharing himself with another through sexual intimacy at an extremely deep level, and it was a way to escape his pain of the past and his problems at home. Being with Jennifer brought him back to life.

She was adventurous, curious, and inviting. Jennifer did things with and for Marco sexually that his wife would never even allow a conversation about, let alone actually do them. For the first time since he had been with his wife, Marco experienced the most exquisite blow job. Jennifer loved going down on him and got off on pleasing him. She would kiss and lick him as though he was a dessert to be savored – passionate and sensual, yet wild and adventurous.

The difference in his experience with his wife and Jennifer was that Jennifer wanted sex just as badly as Marco did, and unlike his wife, Jennifer didn’t treat sex as obligatory or as though she was fulfilling her “duty” to him. Marco found acceptance from Jennifer and she indulged his sexual fantasies, which included sex play in bathrooms, at parties, and secretly at work events. Most importantly, it made him feel special that a woman was so entranced by his dick that she couldn’t get enough of it. It was the kind of attention and recognition of his sexuality at its most quintessential level that his wife had always ignored and put to shame.

To Marco, it was nurturing a part of himself that had long been neglected by his wife and restored a sense of self that he desperately needed to feel wanted and longed for. Marco wanted to be with a woman who didn’t just lie on the bed like a manikin in their usual missionary position – remaining uninterested, distant, and waiting for her time to be up. What he wanted was a woman who would come to life when he touched her, someone who couldn’t get enough of him and made him feel vibrant and on fire. Jennifer made him feel alive.

Marco eventually came to a point where he knew this affair had to end. Not only did he end his relationship with Jennifer, but he confessed to his wife. He described his wife’s response to the whole ordeal with just a few words, “As long as you didn’t get her pregnant,” she responded. Her reaction was both relieving and painful, further driving the knife in his wound – deepening his feeling that she didn’t care enough about him to even become jealous or express heartbreak. Thankfully this time he didn’t run back to his lover because he knew that he wanted his family together for his children’s sake more than he wanted a lover.

Marco and I touch base every now and again and I’m happy to hear that he hasn’t engaged in any more extramarital affairs, but it certainly doesn’t prove that his marriage is any better off. His wife continues to refuse going to therapy, and Marco continues to crave the connection of another. My mind conjures questions that I dare not ask him, though I can’t help but wonder – has he considered seeking professional help for his own sake? Has he studied his wife to know what gentle seeds he could plant that would soften her and allow for some open conversation over a period of time? Does he know how satisfied she is in their marriage? What is it that she truly longs for that she’s not getting? How does she self-define her role as mother and wife? What was it that attracted her to him in the beginning, and him to her? Has he tried recreating that in various scenarios? There are countless other questions I want to ask, but the truth is that none of these questions matter if he has mentally passed the point of reconciliation. Although he is still wearing the role of husband and father, he has long been departed from their marriage.

While we will never know the other side to this story and there is much left untold, Marco’s wife certainly deserves the respect and courtesy of acknowledging that she did not deserve to be on the receiving end of his affair. But it certainly doesn’t make her an innocent party either. So too did she break her wedding vows to Marco with the years of neglect, emotional stonewalling, avoiding therapy, and not even being willing to discuss the state of their relationship. And who says she alone gets to control the sexual and emotional intimacy that affects two people, not just one? Hurt and suffering come in many forms in a relationship, and the kind that happens gradually and spanning several years or even decades is oftentimes no less worthy of repentance than the gutting experience of uncovering an affair.

Ultimately, it all comes down to this: the only person in any given situation we have some form of control over is ourselves. And usually, when we change ourselves, we change the other, but unfortunately it doesn’t always work that way. Sometimes there are forces so great existing outside our control, that in the end, we are left with difficult choices ahead of us.

A relationship is like an ongoing negotiation that is always in flux, subject to addendums and alterations. It will ebb and flow as its creators continue to evolve in life and love. It should also be said that every couple has autonomy to decide what kind of bargain they will strike with their partner, and from the outside that bargain might not always make sense. But we can hope that those living within it can find some sort of balance of happiness and satisfaction that works for whatever stage of life they find themselves in, and above all, that they continue seeking the courage to be honest with themselves and their partner about what ingredients they need to live their best life and truest self.

 

 

Listen on iTunes!

My guest today shares a dark family secret ridden with shame – he was birthed out of incest. He opens up about his experiences with an alcoholic father and learning the shocking truth about where he came from.

Lynn Everard is now an author, a life coach, and a speaker, hoping to share his heartfelt message with the world about how speaking your truth could save your life. You can find more information on my guest here: https://lynneverard.com/ 

Specifically, we’re going to talk about:

  • The lack of physical touch for young boys
    • “As men we all have a war within that robs us of our peace but also can negatively impact the women in our lives, but as men discover their own war and are able to let go of it they become more capable living their lives from a place of balance. This includes how we treat and relate to women.” – Lynn Everard
  • His recent experience coaching a workshop for men called the Masculine Journey
  • The balancing act of masculine and feminine within all of us
    • “All men and women carry both the feminine and the masculine within. Our experiences, sexual identity and belief systems impact how we deal with it. I believe that many, if not most, men fear our feminine aspect. And as men we often attack what we fear. As men we cannot attack the feminine concept but we can attack women. I am not saying that this is the only possible truth on the matter but rather something to explore.” – Lynn Everard
  • His childhood experiences with incest and how it shaped his life and his 34 year marriage
  • Lynn’s upcoming book, How Speaking Your Truth Can Save Your Life and How It Saved Mine and he’s the co-creator of the soon to be launched How To Speak Your Truth Workshop.
  • By assisting his clients in writing their life stories, he helps them speak their own truth. Lynn believes in helping aspiring writers become powerful authors of their own lives.