Welcome everyone to F*ck Like a Woman, episode 3. Today’s show is all about unlocking your erotic mind and discussing some practical ways that you can stimulate your sexual mind.
But first, let me ask you a very important question: are you open to stimulating your sexual mind and erotic imagination even after years of being with the same person? If you’re even the slightest bit curious to hear a few ideas on how to get more sexy vibrations flowing through your relationship, I’ve collected some suggestions from both highly intelligent sex educators and respected authors. This is by no means a comprehensive list, but it’s a good start.
Let me preface this by saying that cultivating a strong, elaborate erotic imagination is an art, not a science, and equally important to note is that it is ever-changing. What arouses you today might not arouse you tomorrow. What evoked juicy sex last week may have no effect on your arousal this week. Desire thrives on novelty, uncertainty, and risk. Our brains do this all on their own with or without our conscious direction. My reason for making this point is that in order to let our erotic side flourish and play, it requires a certain amount of creativity to reinvent itself when things get stale, and a willingness to give it space to breath when the rigidity of relationship familiarity becomes stifling.
Lastly, if you’re anything like me, you’ve found yourself at all points of the sexual desire continuum at different chapters of your life and within your relationship. Because there is no one-size-fits-all model for igniting desire and arousal, these ideas are primarily meant to get your erotic wheels turning. Sometimes hearing what worked for someone else gives us inspiration to uncover what might work for us.
Part 1: Open Your Mind to See Sex All Around You
- Give yourself permission to masturbate regularly. However you define regularly is totally up to you, but don’t overlook it for very long. Allowing your mind to wander to erotic places is how you keep that world alive inside you. Our erotic imagination is a creative space to dream in whatever wild and virtuous ways we so desire, and no one, not a single person, is entitled to know what you fantasize about. This is a space that is purely yours, it is part of your sexual sovereignty. It’s also very common to wonder if your fantasies are “normal” and what they mean. You might even recognize that you would never dream of actually doing them in real life. Well, that’s the beauty of a fantasy, isn’t it, unless of course, yours involves something illegal. There are several highly respected professionals who have written about sexual fantasies in particular that might give you more insight into your particular fantasies (Michael Bader’s ‘Arousal: The Secret Logic of Fantasies’ or Esther Perel’s ‘Mating in Captivity’) are good books to start with), but remember that each person, situation, and context is layered with complexities so don’t assume the meaning of yours will necessarily be straightforward. The human psyche is intricate and often our erotic desires do not play by the same rules of politics and egalitarianism.
- Have you ever given him head just for your own pleasure? It’s pretty fucking hot. I recently read a book called, ‘Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm’ by Nicole Daedone. She talks about how incredibly sensual it is when a woman gives her man a blow job just for her own selfish pleasure. This was a concept I had never spent much time thinking about because with as much patriarchy that still exists in our notions about sex, many women usually frame going down on the guy as being about him, not about them, with obligatory undertones. Many women tend to think of it as giving a service, rather than taking for their own selfish pleasure. Nicole had presented a very powerful paradigm shift. She instructs the women to first make it known that her intention is purely because she wants to enjoy feeling, licking, and sucking for the sake of her own enjoyment. Ladies, you could probably get him hard just by telling him you that’s what you want to do to him. Nicole says the key is going slow and taking the scenic route, you want to really stop and enjoy the shape, texture, flavor, look, and feel of it in your mouth. She encourages you to take notice of what you just did that made him grow, moan, or quiver. He’s your toy to play with. The fun of it is you’ve got him by the balls, literally.
- When you’re in the shower, are you thinking about sex? Do you watch the water droplets fall on your naked skin, drip down your breasts and glide down your legs? There is something so exquisitely beautiful about water falling on a naked body. See yourself through your lover’s eyes, and you will feel cherished. If you were going on a first date, how would you groom yourself in the shower? How do you show your body that you care about her? You get to decide what to shave and how much, but I will argue that a silky smooth freshly shaved body part always feels very sensual to the touch. I’d even take it a step farther and suggest caressing that freshly shaved body part in a self-appreciative, seductive way as you put your lotion on to really tap into why women’s silky skin is so pleasurable to our lovers. If that loving caress from your own hand turns into self-pleasure, then give your body what it wants. Indulge your body – she will feel sexy and desirable.
- When was the last time you had a really meaningful conversation with your man? I’m not going to repeat the same cliche bit about the importance of fostering more intimacy with your man, because for many committed couples having more intimacy actually undermines their sexual desire for their current partner (look up the “intimacy-desire paradox” and many of you will probably have a light bulb moment!). Instead, what I like most about meaningful conversations with my partner is peering into his mind to see what interesting perspectives and insights he’s had on life. Sometimes I’m pleasantly surprised to remember that I don’t know everything about him, that he is still mysterious and unknown. These types of conversations help us to see that we can always uncover new ground within our partner, and sometimes it’s not what we expected. The truth is we will never really know our partner. When we make an intentional effort to set aside time specifically designated for peering inside their mind and heart, we are reminded that they are their own unique person with thoughts and feelings different from ours. The longer we are with someone, the more we think we know them. But in fact, a wise coach recently told me, that you only know the version of your partner that they are being for you. In other words, you really have no idea what the rest of that iceberg contains. This is a fact, verified by the simple truth that as human beings we evolve and change all the time, every minute of every day. For this reason, don’t assume that just because your partner told you their opinions about something a year ago, that they still feel the same way, especially when it concerns their wants, needs, and expectations involving your relationship. For some people, that might trigger panic and fear, but look at the other side of the coin, it means that your partner and your relationship hold the promise of possibility and discovery – and isn’t that one of the key ingredients that makes a new relationship so appealing, exciting, and daydream-worthy?
Part 2: Put Yourself in His Shoes
- Ask yourself: if I were him, would I want to unwrap me? Think about if you were going out on a date with yourself, are you wearing something that invites playful seduction even down to your skimpies? In fact, have you ever let your man buy you clothes? I recently tried this and it’s loads of fun. You experience the thrill of surrendering to whatever he wants to see on your body. You don’t get to judge, you don’t get to nitpick – your only job is to put it on and strut your shit out of the dressing room and wait for his eyes to cast the vote. It’s fun not only because you’re totally stepping out of your element and fashion routine, but you get to see him eyeball you from a whole new angle and learn what clothing pieces light him up. But don’t stop there, stay wrapped up in your package after you get home – men like the additional thrill of taking off what you had on for the night. You’re a package they’ve been waiting to unwrap the whole night; don’t deflate their balloon by undressing yourself. One last note on this point is to think about substituting some scrubbish pajamas with something a few degrees cuter for at least 3 or 4 nights of the week. And if you’re like me, you want to see him in some sexier clothes around the house, too, so either buy him some or tactfully drop some flirty hints about what he looks hot in.
- Depressurize the sexual initiation and invitation. A couple of things come to mind when I say this: one – his initiation to have sex when you’re not in the mood, and two – the invitation he extends that lacks sexual excitement. We all know there are plenty of times that he initiates when we’re not interested, but how you respond and with what tone makes all the difference. Instead of saying, “I don’t really feel like it,” you could flirt back and say, “not right now, but we definitely will later” so he knows you’re interested, but now isn’t a good time. The key is to imply there is going to be a later. Then there are the other times when he initiates, but his technique does nothing for you sexually – maybe there’s not enough anticipation or buildup to sufficiently intrigue you. If that’s the case, when he says something like, “do you want to have sex tonight?”, you could playfully say something like, “convince me,” which communicates you are open to it, but you need him to entice you. And don’t forget about the ways that you initiate. Many times you can initiate without an overt invitation. One great way you could initiate is to say, “want to give me a massage?” and he reads that as, “I get to put my hands on her naked body, which might lead to sex”. I recommend discussing with him what the easiest ways are to get you in the mood, and what are your favorite lead-ins to sex. When you ask for a massage, make it easy for him to read your signals by either blatantly getting naked or wearing a short night dress with no underwear on. It’s a win-win: he gets a great view while knowing where it will lead, and you get a rub-down with a happy ending.
- Are your texts to him still flirty? Has the flirty nature of your messaging eroded into boring, committed talk about the basic facts of life? There are some major differences in how we communicate now versus in the beginning of our relationship. You can probably admit that there’s more playfulness in our messages to our girlfriends than there is to our partner. Tell your man regularly that he is HOTTTTTT or SEXXXXY versus the less exciting version, ‘you look nice’. Put the playful flirting back in your messaging with some of these suggestions, and don’t be afraid to use the hell out of those emojis and punctuation marks:
Loving Committment vs Playfully Flirty
– How’s your day going? – Hey babe! How’s your day going?
– Be home soon – Hey love, be home soon. XOXO
– Let’s go see a movie tonight – Hey sexy, I want to take you to a movie tonight so I can have you all to myself
– Have a good day – You looked sexy AF when you left for work this morning, GADAYUM
Part 3: Set the Scene
- Eliminate, or at the very least, minimize the activities you do in your bedroom that are not sleeping or fucking. The better you can train your brain to associate sexual pleasure with being in the bedroom, the less mental obstacles you’ll have when trying to get in the mood. Your intentions for the bedroom should be to experience pleasure or relaxation. If the bedroom is a place where you sleep with your kids, use as a work space, or watch a lot of TV in, then it’s time for a change because you have, in a sense, de-sexified your fuck space. Don’t shoot for perfection here because things will happen, and being too rigid about anything can feel restrictive. If you find your bedroom has become too uncomfortable for sex because of prior bad experiences, take it to the couch, the kitchen, the patio or wherever you find intriguing to get the good energy flowing again.
- Do you decorate your bedroom with pictures of your kids, or pictures of romantic vacations and past dates? Look, there is nothing wrong with having pictures of your family and your cuter-than-any-other children in your bedroom, buuuuuut it can change the atmosphere and mood of a room when you have reminders of your non-sexual domestic roles that make it harder for you to momentarily remember that you’re still a sexy seductress who knows how to conjure that freaky side every once in a while. You know what I’m talkin about. Our brains can’t help but put on the breaks when we remember our domestic lives and all the responsibilities that come with it; you might not even realize it’s affecting you. What you do want to remember is that trip, date, or moment where you and your bae were happy and connected romantically. Again, don’t strive for perfection on this one, but at least minimize it.
- Is the space clean or does it have clutter, dirty laundry, or children’s toys? A clear space is a sexy space. The bedroom is a space where you can breathe, relax, and let go. If you have to do a quick pickup, throw those dirty clothes or children’s toys in your closet until you have time to clean up tomorrow.
- Do you have adequate privacy? It can be important that you have a door that fully locks and windows that close so that you can really let go mentally, thereby letting go physically. Or, if you get a thrill out of the possibility of being exposed, then more power to you, just don’t do it if you have kids in the house!
Part 4: Amplify the Sensuality
- Do you want to taste delicious? Shower a couple hours before your date with him so that your body’s natural pheromones and juices have plenty of time to marinate before he consumes you. You’ll be the perfect amount of deliciousness when he tastes you – clean yet irresistible.
- Do you have orgasm-worthy music? Is it accessible? Is it commercial free? Really good, mood-appropriate music is key to making a lasting sexual memory that will stamp your brain. After having been with the same person for a while, you might consider this a superfluous addition to sex, but this is a great way to up your vibrations. Remember that we’re aiming for quality over quantity, so the details in creating your experience are key. Having a portable stereo that you can take with you to the bathtub or any area of the house is super important. Make sure you’re not listening to music that has annoying commercials that interrupt the heightened mood you just spent precious time creating. I personally love R&B and most things Adam Levine – have you heard his song ‘Lips on You’?? yummy….)
- Is your bedroom & bathroom decor sexy? Have you considered how sexually appealing your bedroom and bathroom are? The last thing you want to look at when you’re in the middle of getting licked in the shower or bathtub is an ugly eye sore. Decor that doesn’t add a sexual vibe to the ambiance should be replaced. TJ Maxx, Ross, or Home Goods are always winners for cheap, sexy pieces.
- What texture and color palette makes you feel like a sex kitten? Does black, red, hot pink, or just plain nude make you feel most playful? Find the perfect texture for your sheets: soft, silky, smooth – you decide what feels most sensual. Basically are they something you would want to touch with your naked body, or a color you associate with sex? You get to decide.
- Are you using an aroma in your sex play? Scent coupled with a heightened experience is incredibly powerful at imprinting a memory. You are literally making your mark on your lover – they will think of you and sex whenever they smell it. Scents enhance how luxurious and pleasurable the experience is as a whole. It’s all about the details, people!!
Lastly, I want to hear how you have found sexiness in overlooked places and what has helped you to cultivate more sexiness in your daily lives. If any of these ideas helped or inspired you, let me know in the comments section. I’d love to hear from you!!
Stay tuned for the next episode of F*ck Like a Woman, featuring our sexy story of the week about an alpha male who found pleasure in surrendering to a dominatrix. You don’t want to miss it!