Welcome to the very first episode of F*ck Like a Woman. Today’s episode is all about embracing your sexual curiosity.
Today’s show is really special because it’s a culmination of all the expertise and experience I’ve gathered on sex and love throughout my 3 decades on this planet. My efforts came out of trying to repair my own romantic life after being on the brink of divorce twice while struggling with conflicting new identities of mother, wife, career woman, and who I was as a single girl before all that happened. And as life tends to do, my darker moments pushed me to dig deep within myself to figure out how I wanted to construct my life, and stop living on autopilot.
Let me rewind a little bit to give you some backstory on what drove me to connect with you. I had a real scarcity of people I could talk to about sex, I live in Texas for crying out loud, specifically honest conversations where I didn’t have to clean up my language or gloss over the fun parts. The limited conversations I did have with people only grew my appetite. But it wasn’t enough for me – I needed more – more perspectives of sexuality and more candid dialogue about what they took away from their experiences. I wanted to know the play by play details of people’s sexual escapades – both within committed relationships and out. Specifically, I wanted women to be less squeamish and embarrassed about their sex lives, especially because for every story out there, there are at least thousands, if not millions, of other people who could relate. And just think: if we could share more and judge less, how much better could we make this world for ourselves and for our daughters?
And then one day I had an idea: I wanted to create a platform where steamy, pleasurable, and even embarrassing sex stories could be told candidly and shared with other curious pleasure-seekers like me – in detail! I wanted a space for smart and thoughtful women with relationship experience to feel comfortable learning from their sexual preferences and to be encouraged and inspired to view themselves in a more compassionate and accepting light. I want women to feel entitled to really live and exist inside their bodies, to feel emboldened to own their own space – both sexually and holistically. This is what I want for you.
To do this, I’m going to share the invaluable guidance and insight I’ve learned from sex educators and relationship experts along with experiences and lessons from my own life. My goal for this podcast is to help other women live better lives by becoming intentional and mindful first for ourselves, and secondly for our partners.
Sex isn’t everything in life, nor should it be. But, the reason we should care about managing our romantic lives is that when we experience trouble in love and sex, a tremendous amount of precious energy is consumed at the hands of worry and anxiety at trying to solve those riddles. If this energy, this extremely valuable resource that has finite limitations in a single day, could be freed up to fuel our greater purpose in life by having at our disposal the collective wisdom of our shared experiences through a platform such as this, then just think how much more could be accomplished in our lives and offered up as our contribution to the world. Our ability to achieve self-actualization is the key to manifesting our greatest potential. Even though it’s just one of the many paths that contribute to self-actualization, our love life usually yields the greatest power to throw us off course and down a road that leads us astray from our truest selves.
Inspiration for naming the show, F*ck Like a Woman, came from my desire to join the movement to restore our genderized sexual discourse from being so bluntly masculinized and blending in the feminization of sex to create a healthy balance of both masculine and feminine undertones. Did I lose you? To give you an idea of what the hell I’m talking about when I say sex has predominantly been masculinized, sex is usually discussed and thought of in a results-driven, outcome-focused paradigm, which centers primarily on quantifying and strategizing sex. I don’t know about you, but that sure doesn’t sound sexy to me. It’s a very performance-based framework that relies heavily on comparison of oneself to another, and quite frankly, it often leaves us feeling inadequate, defeated, and frustrated. We’ve all seen examples of this framework in real life; things like how many times per week is “normal” to have sex, how to have an orgasm without fail, how to increase your orgasms during sex, how to make her squirt with these erection techniques, how to get an instant hard-on, how to fix your sexless marriage, and on and on… you get the picture. It’s not that there isn’t valuable information to be gained by knowing more methods and techniques, but the problem is that desire and eroticism don’t often play by the rules.
Instead, we’ll be focusing on feminizing our sexual discourse by reframing pleasure and eroticism as an artistic skill that we learn to cultivate, one that is often filled with paradoxes and complexities that sometimes leave us with more questions than answers. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I want one framework more than the other, it’s that we need a feminized space to wander and explore before returning back to what is. It wouldn’t make anyone’s life better to have a distortion of femininity to masculinity. This is why it’s about balance; everything is about balance. We should have the ability to see life from each vantage point and have compassion and understanding for all issues facing men and women. But in order to do this, we must bring light to the paradigm that has been left in the shadows, the one that brings context and sensuality to the forefront, the one that lets imagination and fantasy roam free, the one that lets creativity and leisure come out to play.
Sex educators teach that sexual context is one of the most important parts to creating an amazing intimate experience. But when we open up and share about our sexual escapades, we’re almost always missing the WHY – why was this so arousing? Why do you still fantasize about that rendezvous from 5 years ago? To me, the WHY is just as important and intriguing as the erotic details. If arousal starts in the brain, then knowing the WHY gives us insight into what to do more of and how we can elaborate in other contexts to make sex feel just as good, if not better.
Sexual arousal doesn’t happen in a vacuum. What I mean is that even that one-night stand means something, and I’m not talking about just pure pleasure for pleasure’s sake. I’m talking about WHY you chose that partner and not someone else, WHY did you perform those specific positions and acts, WHAT do they say about your preferences? Where did those preferences come from? How much of it was from your upbringing, how much was shaped by your family’s attitudes about sex, how much was learned from the cultural script you were socialized into performing? Most importantly, what does your sex say about you? These are the more interesting questions we should be asking, not just the behavior and technique of sex. I believe that our sex is a text to be read, one that is worth some introspection. Spend some time to look inward to learn about yourself, if not for your sake then for your partner’s sake or your future partner’s sake.
Sex is one of the most, if not the most, intimate spaces of our lives. We’re giving our bodies to another person. Our bodies come with stories – stories about where we’ve been, what we’ve been through, what we value and how we treat ourselves, and stories about how we love ourselves. It’s where all our vulnerabilities come out of hiding, where we can no longer conceal our feelings behind masks and where even the best actors can’t disguise everything. Sex is where we strip down to our most fundamental human needs: our need to be seen, to be heard, and to be validated. If in our sex lives these basic needs to connect are not met, the reverberations of our inadequacies can be felt in nearly every part of our lives – most supremely in our relationships. As author and psychotherapist Esther Perel says, “the quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives.”
So how does all this fit in with who I am as your host? As I mentioned earlier, I’m a life coach with a passionate interest in sex and relationship issues who decided to use the information I had learned in repairing my own marriage to turn it into a love and sex podcast for women. I’ve also been married just under 10 years and have a small family. But let me tell you… those 10 years with the same man have taught me innumerable lessons about sex, love, intimacy, and most importantly about myself. To summarize these 10 years together, we’ve survived 2 separations, 2 divorce cancellations, navigating a waning sex life that used to be so hot we spent almost all weekend in bed, the two of us raising a tiny baby together, me managing a team of people while clocking in the overtime at a job I hated, all while sorting through the psychological baggage from my childhood trauma that I’d brought with me into our relationship.
From the outside we had a great life, but in truth I’d settled in so many ways. I had settled for a life I didn’t want. In fact, it repulsed me because I had dug such a deep hole for myself that I didn’t know how to get out of it. As a couple, we had become complacent and cynical. I was judgmental, irritable, chronically stressed, and beyond burnt out at work. We treated each other worse than we treated strangers and our efforts to keep score were mounting the animosity we felt toward each other. Oh ya, did I mention we were having shitty sex and neither of us was happy about it? I was angry because I had become someone I inherently was not. It was like the joy was sucked out of me. Have you ever been in a chapter of your life and wondered to yourself: how the fuck did I get here? That was me.
The beauty in all my personal evolution was that it made me fight for what I love, which ultimately I realized was life itself. We are all responsible for the choices that we make in this life, and for the energy that we bring to our space. We can alter the reality that we perceive by shifting our mindset toward what is good, what is in alignment with our higher selves, and once we know what we don’t want, we actually know what we do want.
So I left my position as an account manager at the company I had been with for nearly 6 years in pursuit of aligning my personality and skill set with a more fulfilling career, which ultimately led me to life coaching. I love inspiring and motivating people to live a life worth living, to go for what brings joy, purpose, and fulfillment into their souls. What I didn’t predict was that I wanted more, more knowledge, more learning, more opportunities to share information with people – specifically about the topics that I love so much – primarily about sex, intimacy, and relationship issues that I had spent so much time reading and studying about to solve my own problems. And that’s how the podcast came to fruition.
In my 3 decades on this planet, this is what I’ve come to learn about sex:
Sex is vastly more beautiful and expansive than we usually give it credit for. It is present in all areas of our lives, and is both an energy force pulsating through us and a transcendent medium through which we travel to find new and vibrant parts of ourselves. Sex is not just the sum of all its parts or the expectant outcome of one grand finale. There is a potency to sex that can feel uncomfortable, threatening, and overwhelming, yet on the other hand can be healing, regenerative, and life-giving. It can be exquisite and poetic.
Sex lets us connect with another human being, and not always in the flesh. Sometimes that connection comes in the form of our imagination, a computer screen, over the phone, or through messaging. And it’s nonetheless powerful. The ways in which we continue to find creative ways to seek out this potent force are endless and never ceasing. The method through which we pursue that connection can reveal a good deal about our unique circumstances, motivations, human needs and comfort level. Sometimes asking for or engaging in the kind of sex we truly desire is so frightening that finding it through alternative methods is all the courage we can muster. Sex allows us to be seen, recognized, and acknowledged – even within casual sex. At its root, it makes us feel important – important enough to be chosen by another, to be desired, to be longed for, and to be consumed. Sexual play at its best grants us a sacred experience of really existing inside the body and appreciating its magnificent design.
Most importantly, sex has a lot to do with our self-esteem and how we think and feel about ourselves. It’s a big part of the identity we carry around, whether it’s tucked away as a prize to be won, proudly flaunted as a badge of merit for others to see, or cherished and freely given as a select experience for one who is worthy. Sex says so much about who we are in the present. It is a language all its own, requiring each new partner to learn the physical, biological, and psychological intricacies of the one sharing it, or consequently be lost in the details and left only to pick up the universal gestures that leave much to interpretation. Each body, mind, heart, and desire is different, unique, and complex. Granted, sex has overarching patterns and oftentimes follows a bell curve, but it is also fluid, rebellious, and ever-changing. It moves rhythmically within each moment and its dimensions are constantly expanding and contracting.
It’s easy to judge and immediately jump to conclusions about another person’s character, integrity, and morals when they engage in socially unacceptable sexual behavior within a particular context. Instead of casting judgement, I would like to peruse a myriad of ideas to see what we can learn about the human psyche in order to uncover motivating factors, to discover what alternatives, if any, might allow for a better life experience, and to shed light onto various taboo subjects that are deliberately kept in the dark. Let this not be mistaken for granting permission of all sexual acts under the guise of liberation, but instead be viewed as an exploratory measure to observe and understand what is at the root of its creation and to give careful thought to its labyrinth of complexities.
My interest lies in sharing compelling stories and initiating conversations that would otherwise not be told, and in doing so, giving them room to breathe, an opportunity to exhale, a chance to touch someone else’s heart and open their eyes to the expansive stretching of the universe, and perhaps most therapeutically, to allow their holder a chance to be set free.
That’s it for today everyone; stay tuned for the next episode of F*ck Like a Woman, featuring our sexy story of the week about a young woman’s first orgasm with her high school sweetheart. You don’t want to miss it!